Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me

Relevant Magazine quotes deconstruction as being, " —an academic term for the systematic pulling apart of the belief system you were raised in. It’s what happens when the questions you’ve pushed down your whole life finally bubble over the surface, and you’re forced to stare honestly at your doubts. The infallibility of the Bible. The omniscience of God. The finality of hell."  I can not believe I'm here.  If you look over my blog posts for the past decade +, you can see I attest so much to God. You'll read me claim that my belief in God is the only thing that has got me through some rough storms.  Heck, the previous post typed up and shared (wholeheartedly) is talking about trusting God when nothing makes sense.   That post meant so much to me when I read it and shared it but now, I can see what was going on.  It was a year and a half of REALLY struggling with God and life.  In the summer of 2018, a serious health diagnosis for my husband (or...

It's lengthy but every word is worth reading to a weary soul.  The heart that's turning to God with the question, "Why?" Trust me, read this.  This passage is from Lysa Terkeurst's book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way." She wrote it one day while journaling. It's not supposed to be prophesy but a dialogue between God and Jesus. Upside Down The Son turned his head and quizzically said, "Hmmm...Father, those are strange words to assign to this life. Can we pick some other words? I have some fantastic suggestions for this one. She's optimistic and strong. She's caring and compassionate. She's good and generous, and she's so very aware of others. She's a deep thinker and a deep feeler all in one. She's so very rare, Father. Yes, she's rare." "I know. And that's why she must be upside down." "Father, as she gets older I don't think she will like that You gave her these words. ...

This might sound stupid to say but we come across all kinds of people every day. The ones who seem to have it all together. The ones who have endless energy, drive, attention, hope, etc And on the flip-side, we come across those whom we would describe as cold-hearted, depressed, anxious, angry, overwhelmed, etc What are we offering those people who are struggling in our exchanges with them? Help or hurt? Compassion or condemnation? Condemnation: censure, reprimand, disapproval, judgment, acusation  Compassion: empathy, sympathy, tenderheartedness, mercy, consideration When we interact with someone, are we listening to what they're saying? I mean, really saying without words? Are we watching their body language? Are we looking them in the eyes, willing to look past their outer shell? Are we trying to see the condition of their heart and look past the mask? Are we looking for ways we can support them, show them true love, let them know they're worth love, attenti...

No, that blog title isn't some positive statement saying that I stop to smell the roses or stop to notice the sunset every night, the sunrise, etc Or that, it's those little things that bring true, pure joy in life that keep me going amidst this time between the two gardens (Eden and the New Heaven). Nope, it's the little things that this past year, I'd normally chalk up to 'synchronicity of the universe' or, what I used to call 'God stops.' 'God stops' being when God just grabs your attention.  Why the two universes of thought you may wonder? Because I'm in a major faith struggle, the biggest one of my 34 years if I'm being honest.  Up until this point, the people closest to me would say my faith and trust in God is strong, encouraging even and I'd have to agree actually. My faith has been the only thing that's gotten me through life's curve balls, disappointments, challenges, heartaches, whatever you want to call them. ...

Sometimes it's just easier to focus on the negative than the positive but if I'm honest, the first half of 2018 was good but I feel the need to point out the good that God DID do. We found the kids a private Christian school to put them in and it's been a God-send to all of us. Would I love to not have to pay for school, of course, but I just can't bring myself to send my children to public school, especially in the N.E. In fact, for me personally, the school is the only reason I'm still living up here.  The second good thing that happened in the first half of the year is that we moved into our new home - back up North - January 3, 2018, which is exactly the date we moved down to TN, 7 years previously ;) Kinda cool how that worked out.  It seemed God's hand was in every detail of selling our dream home in TN and moving us up here.  The first half of the year brought redemption.  That's the word the Lord laid on my heart for this move back up North.  H...

How should someone process the blinders that were ripped off their eyes exposing the truth that's complex and scary? It's like someone snuck up behind, ripped off the eye mask on the brightest day, ever.  Up until this time, the blinders have been on but every once and a while someone would lift the flap just enough to see the light of the sun but only for a second or it would hurt the eyes. It's like when you become accustomed to the dark and you can only stand so much light before your eyes start hurting. The mask has been ripped off of my mind and my heart.  The light is now in all it's glory and beauty which truth, which is always beautiful, but it still hurts my eyes because of the shock between darkness to light.  Don't get me wrong, the truth is always better than sitting in darkness, lack of truth. But exactly how do you process the knowledge that the seed you came from is text-book narcissistic? How can one deal with the painful knowledge that the...

 'The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?' -Jer. 17:9 My heart tells me that I'm alone and that no one in my life could possibly understand.  It reminds me that the past relives itself and leads me to believe that turmoil is my destiny.  My heart leads me to build walls, to not let anyone in.  It keeps me looking back, comparing what I did have within my grasp at once but can't seem to find again.  My heart is like a wild animal, caged or a reed being blown violently in a hurricane.  BUT Your Word says that I can not live by my heart or emotions. Oh, how I have failed you at this my Father but I know you'll cover it in Your Grace.   Help me to replace the loneliness with your constant, the anger and sin with your good and the fearfulness with your Sovereignty.   It's the belief in the truth that you'll never forsake me that has got me through before.  You're the only...

PTSD causes isolation of the sufferer but it also puts the carer (AKA support partner, 'battle buddy' or in my case the wife) in a whirlwind of isolation as well. Post-traumatic stress disorder lurks around every corner of life.  Just when the sufferer thinks they've made great strides in conquering triggers and gained momentous coping skills, IT sneaks around the corner just like a thief in the night. IT holds your life hostage. IT steals so much from the sufferer and the family that's involved.  Just when your guard is down, IT takes you by surprise and throws your world upside down-again with no idea how long it will last this time.   I can't imagine how my husband feels in relation to how PTSD isolates.  We have only come across one person who has PTSD and it's not a personal relationship so there is no mutual support.  Post-traumatic stress disorder isn't a common ground, especially since only 5% of men develop it.  So that makes me want to scr...

" Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is." I've been working on this concept for a while know, turns out I'm really hard-headed.  I honestly don't see how people can accomplish this concept without a Higher Power.  My Higher Power is the God of the Bible and His son Jesus Christ. Knowing that God knows the number of hairs on my hard-head, that He knows my numbered days and has them all planned out for me, to give me a "hope and a future", these promises give me much peace.   How can I not trust Him?  He has done miracles in our lives. He's lead us from our home state into a community and church that was saturated of Him, His Word and discipleship.  He's fought for us in our case against a state's retirement board for a medical disability. He's given us numerous brothers and sist...

Turns out talking about someone else's mental illness is easier than sharing your own :-p  I've shared the journey of my husband's PTSD and it's about time I share my experience with mental illness in detail to show that I am stigma-free        #IAmStigmaFree For almost 9 years now I've been told over and over again that my depression was postpartum depression (PPD).  I have an almost 9-year-old, a 3-year-old and an almost 2-year-old.   I received this diagnosis from 3 OBGYNs and 1 primary care doctor. I was switched from one antidepressant to another because over a few months the medication would stop helping and I would get a little more depressed than when I first started the medication. Soon it wasn't just my depression, severe anxiety came to tag along in my everyday life. I actually remember the moment when my OCD, and therefore anxiety, kicked in.  It was like a light just clicked on. It was after my second child was born. He h...

I used to think I hated the first home we bought. It was in Maryland, expensive, falling apart and was nothing but a money pit from the day we bought it. We ended up losing the house to foreclosure. It's immature but I had so much resentment toward that house, not that there were zero positive memories there though. We had our first child there and that was her home for the first 18 months of her life. I didn't do this for every shift but I remember sitting in the third bedroom,where he kept his patrol gear and uniform, where I'd take in the last few moments I knew I could see, feel, hear, smell him next to me physically.  I'd watch him put on his black socks,then Under Armor if it was winter, next came the bulletproof vest. It's unnerving to know your husband has to wear a bulletproof vest to go to work everyday by the way.  Then came the shirt with the gold plated name tag that read 'Haines.' Shirt stays came next and then the pants. The black leather be...

So it's been about five months after Neal so bravely admitted himself into the local psychiatric hospital for his PTSD.  As his wife, I couldn't be prouder of him for making this decision and I'm not in the least ashamed of him.  I've said this before and I'll always say it, he's more of a man for going to the hospital and seeking help than for a stubborn and prideful sufferer who doesn't seek out whatever treatment is necessary.  With that said, I do want to disclaim that I know all to well fear can be a huge part, and usually is, to receive the help you need.  This is an understatement in the LEO world.  In my husband's experience, once he 'let that cat out of the bag' that was the end of his career but if he wouldn't have let that cat out and received help, well, I'd hate to have found out what would have happened eventually.  If he would have said something sooner, he could have very well continued in the career he loved. So now tha...

July 11, 2009 I remember this day. It's one of those days that will forever change your life.  On this day Neal was still a MD State Trooper. On this day I was blessed to be at a wedding, on the dance floor, in his arms because there were plenty of moments in his career that could have taken him from me. Standing there, dancing with him, I knew he was set apart. I knew that he was set apart to make a different for His Saviors kingdom, I just had no clue how that would play out. I was keeping a secret of his that I knew would one day, soon enough, blow up or 'hit the fan' as some say. I knew my husband was tormented when he closed his eyes at night. I knew he was haunted in his sleep. I knew he drank to deal with these scenes that he experienced on the job. Standing there in his arms I felt strength that only the Holy Spirit can give. I knew God was carrying us but I also knew I had to be strong for the both of us and what was to come. I had no clue when his secre...

Today, May 20th, 2015, my husband did one of the most courageous things he has ever done. It didn't have anything with being a hero, a Trooper.  He was transparent, admitted he was at rock bottom, admitted he was scared. He did something most men I think would never do due to pride. He willingly got professional help for his law-enforcement induced PTSD. What led him there? A disorder that comes from the enemy himself. It began with evil spirits that are evident at the scenes of a suicide as a Maryland State Trooper.  It started when he walked in on a teenager that had used a shotgun to end his life a few seconds before he arrived to help. It began when he turned his back for a split second to the perpetrator in a domestic violence situation to make sure he was protecting his wife, the victim. In that split second the perpetrator attacked him from behind and started a choke hold and my husband started to black out. It started with someone pointing a gun at him, pointing a kn...

In reaction to the Baltimore riots in 2015 Dear America, My husband served YOU. He knew that his passion to serve YOU could cost his life and there are numerous times it was a 'close call'. Do you get that? The love of my life almost didn't come home, his daughter came close to not having her Daddy. Even though it was a real possibilty his life could have been the sacrifice that is sometimes required, he geared up everyday with pride to protect YOU. It was in his blood and aside from our daughter and myself, it was what made his heart beat. Yes, I'm speaking to YOU because at any time, that call to serve and protect YOU could come by his way and he wouldn't hesitate to come to your aide. Despite what certain racist groups proclaim, when he was called to YOUR side he didn't drive there thinking, 'Oh, I wonder if this person in need is of another race or color as I am?' No. He would go as quickly as he could, not knowing what kind of situa...

It's that jump, that moan.  I know what it means.  I know what's coming. It means while you're next to me physically but you're not really with me, you're trapped in the past.  When I hear that groan,  I know you are re-living, re-experiencing a horrific and terrifying real-life event that no human should have to experience.  Your brain continually plays that slideshow and you can not do a darn thing to stop it.  No wonder going to sleep is something you hate.  Thing is though, even when you're awake your brain still plays it continually, maybe just not as much as when you're asleep. That moan means my heart is breaking. I hate what you had to live through and that you can not be free from it.  If there is anyone who can fight this, survive this, it's you.  It's you and me together. You see, at this moment in time there is something good that comes from this. Out of all the earthly comforts this world has to offer, you choose for me to ...

I've got to hide my emotions that heart doesn't ache when I look into your eyes and do not see Neal.  I'll put on that positive, encouraging, strong face when you're around because I want to be those things for you but when you're not around, I've got to process. Process what the Holy Spirit is telling me about your heart and mind. Process what you need, don't need. Process what it is that you need me to do for you ie phone calls to insurance, research on a new form of therapy, allow you time for your hobby or just a hug.  I have to just to sit here at the computer and write out everything I need to process, it's my form of therapy.  Writing it all out gives me a small hope that someone out there totally gets what's going on and then it all won't isolate us so much any more due to that one or two people who truly know what's going on. When I hear your car pull in the driveway, it's time for me to hurry and gather myself up, be strong ...

There I was sitting on that high pedal stool for so many years. To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden. I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it.  I was placed up high on that pedal stool.  It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper. To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great.  So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool. There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their...

It has the ability to and often does, destroy life. It takes away dreams. It slowly and painfully takes away the passions and desires of the survivor to the point that they do not know who is in the mirror, neither do they like that person. Slowly and painfully, the spouse watches along the sidelines as the person they fell in love with disappears. You know they're still there deep down and you hope they will heal and come back to you one day. You've come to realize though, while they will never be the same due to IT, once they heal and move forward this experience and lessons learned combined with finding and being themselves again is an even better option. Trials either make us or break us. We decide IT'S going to make us better. This has made you love them more. It's made you honor they're courage and strength to live another day and fight so hard for their freedom, for a 'normal' life. It's also made them love you more because they finally underst...

Today I'm not strong. Today I'm not a rock. Today I'm empty, a dry well.   Today I'm worn, crushed under this weight.   Lord, I need your peace. I need the rest only you can provide.   This is today but I know tomorrow is an all new hope set in You.  Thank you for that hope. Why don't I feel Your supernatural strength?  Is it because you're withholding, not to be mean, but to teach me something? To make me truly rely on you? I thought I've passed that lesson.  What am I missing here Lord?  Or do I not feel you because of an unknown sin? Maybe it's a sin I know of such as fear, apathy or anxiety that has created a barrier.  I've been begging you for months to help me with these sins.  Is it because I'm selfish? I'm tired of pouring out. Please reveal to me clearly as you always have as to what's going on in the spiritual realm of my heart.   Normally I can confidently continue supporting this weight of being his rock, their rock ...