The Little Things That Keep Me Going

No, that blog title isn't some positive statement saying that I stop to smell the roses or stop to notice the sunset every night, the sunrise, etc Or that, it's those little things that bring true, pure joy in life that keep me going amidst this time between the two gardens (Eden and the New Heaven).

Nope, it's the little things that this past year, I'd normally chalk up to 'synchronicity of the universe' or, what I used to call 'God stops.' 'God stops' being when God just grabs your attention.  Why the two universes of thought you may wonder?

Because I'm in a major faith struggle, the biggest one of my 34 years if I'm being honest.  Up until this point, the people closest to me would say my faith and trust in God is strong, encouraging even and I'd have to agree actually. My faith has been the only thing that's gotten me through life's curve balls, disappointments, challenges, heartaches, whatever you want to call them.  But this past year, oh my, this past year, 2018...I've tanked out. My soul has tanked out. My heart, my faith, my trust in God...on 'E' as in empty. As in not even running on fumes anymore.

Once my husband was diagnosed with Chron's disease in August of 2018, I just couldn't justify all God had allowed with almost no good surfacing from the game of life.  At this point, I'd believe that life is 'the luck of the draw.'  I used to believe God had good for my pain but 2018 left me believing that God was still good toward general humanity but for some reason, He forgot about us or it seemed He was more interested in piling on the bad stuff instead of using the bad stuff for what I wanted most, a ministry to touch others. If I could use my story to touch one person...one police wife, one PTSD battle buddy, one other Mama who struggled with Post-Partum Depression...but no, I saw no ministry and my heart just couldn't hold out on the hope any longer.

My heart, my soul, my mind, my being was beyond exhausted...drained.

In fact, I spent 2018 trying to find reason in all of the 'crap' that's happened. Now, let me take this time to state what you're thinking. I'm fully aware things could have been worse. I mean, I guess my husband, one of my children or myself could have died through all of the 'crap' so please don't comment, "Well, I know people who have had it worse." I'll digress because if I don't....hey, I've never claimed I'm not flippant or sarcastic...it's a problem.  Sarcasm is how I've learned to deal with life.

Back to finding reason in 2018.  I just couldn't justify everything that God had allowed, piled high, one layer on top of the other.  The worse thing is, I've sought help to try to process and not be angry with God through it all, to 'keep my faith' and all I got from my battle of 'fighting the good fight' was either incompetent counselors or having to listen to Christan-ese, in other words, no help.  Oh, you know what I'm talking about either because Christians have said it in your lowest moments in life to 'encourage' you or because you're one of the ones who has made such statements:

"If you just have more faith."  "Maybe if you read the Bible a little more." "Keep that praise and worship music going, all day." "You need to control your thoughts." Again, I digress...

So, 2018 was spent with being angry with God. Throwing a hissy-fit because I didn't like the way things have turned out.  The "If Only You Had..." game. It became a trek to 'make sense' of the world around me.  I'm Type-A so I thrive on logic and I couldn't make peace with my logic that God was just up there, making more plans to see what else we could take.  I was absolutely questioning God's goodness.  Once you lose that hope...that's unbearable.  My mind couldn't just 'have faith' or 'trust God' anymore.  I became convinced faith was just another word for positive thinking or someone's way of getting through life, wishing for better.

But you know what...it's the 'little things' that keep me from shutting God out 100% right now.  I know that without hope in something bigger than myself, than life isn't worth living.  I truly believe that God IS good, toward the greater humanity because of John 3:16. I truly believe John 3:16 with all of my heart and I know that I'm part of the "world" that God gave His one and only Son for so there's gotta be some hope to hang on to as much as my independent, selfish, prideful, stubborn (oh, SO stubborn!), sinful, mind wants answers, justice, redemption now.

It's the belief that God IS good toward humanity and the words "surrender" as well as the phrase, "Keep your eyes focused on Jesus" that is keeping me here, keeping me from losing 100% of hope.  It's those moments that an idea passes through my head and then my pastor repeats those same ideas from the pulpit on Sunday morning.  Again, it's those ideas that pass through my mind and then I read them in a book by Lysa Terkeust's book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way." In 2018, I would have said they were the universe getting my attention, but "The Universe" isn't good. "The Universe" doesn't do what I believe, give His one and Only Son to die so that humanity may have eternal life through the shedding of His Son's blood on the Cross.

So, as I sit here, listening to the fireworks ring in the New Year, it's the little things that are keeping me going and being determined that just as the punctuation mark, the semi-colon, represents, my story isn't over yet. There's more, keep reading in the future. In the meantime, I've got to wrestle with God this 'surrender' idea He keeps putting in my way ;)





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