Pedestal
There I was sitting on that high pedal stool for so many years.
To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden.
I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it. I was placed up high on that pedal stool. It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper.
To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great. So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool.
There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their fault for putting a human, a sinful human at that, up so high. I never asked to be up there. Being up there made me think that I would be loved unconditionally. Now I see that isn't true. I'm sure there is still love, deep down when you dig through all of the hurt and pain, but I see most of it was conditional. BUT I DON'T WANT WHAT YOU OFFER. I want unconditional love from you and it was a sad day to realize it will not be offered therefore it's all unhealthy, too unhealthy for my life and I choose healthy.
You have a choice, to be a healthy influence on my life or a poisonous one. I do desire for you to be a healthy influence, but I'm fully prepared to never have you in my life again if you choose the wrong path. You see, I also have a choice. I draw boundary lines for my health, the health of my marriage and my children (all who come before you) and you continue to cross them into the 'poisonous area' so you know what, I'm not the bad guy you make me out to be. I am not to blame for your actions and mindset,I'm not responsible for them either. You can continue to blame me but it's not helping you, it's killing you. Yes, KILLING. You're the only one responsible for your happiness. Happiness is not control over someone or what you call 'love' with strings all attached.
I can honestly say I'm done hoping you'll change. By your actions and harsh words, you've actually closed the book for me. Thank you. I know you will never change because I know you do not have Christ. A situation like this leads to hate for most people but my heart is torn apart at the truth of where you'll be spending eternity unless you come to realization for your need for Christ. I've spoke of this with you and I know others have as well and my conscience is clear. I honestly pray God will bring you to your knees because it's there you'll see He is your life and death. I do pine for the knowledge that while we're done here on earth more then likely, I can see you new and whole, dancing with overwhelming joy in Christ's arm in Heaven one day, that we'd spend an eternity together. I do not hate you. I do very much dislike you but that will not get in the way of the Christ-like love that is required of me.
To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden.
I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it. I was placed up high on that pedal stool. It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper.
To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great. So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool.
There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their fault for putting a human, a sinful human at that, up so high. I never asked to be up there. Being up there made me think that I would be loved unconditionally. Now I see that isn't true. I'm sure there is still love, deep down when you dig through all of the hurt and pain, but I see most of it was conditional. BUT I DON'T WANT WHAT YOU OFFER. I want unconditional love from you and it was a sad day to realize it will not be offered therefore it's all unhealthy, too unhealthy for my life and I choose healthy.
You have a choice, to be a healthy influence on my life or a poisonous one. I do desire for you to be a healthy influence, but I'm fully prepared to never have you in my life again if you choose the wrong path. You see, I also have a choice. I draw boundary lines for my health, the health of my marriage and my children (all who come before you) and you continue to cross them into the 'poisonous area' so you know what, I'm not the bad guy you make me out to be. I am not to blame for your actions and mindset,I'm not responsible for them either. You can continue to blame me but it's not helping you, it's killing you. Yes, KILLING. You're the only one responsible for your happiness. Happiness is not control over someone or what you call 'love' with strings all attached.
I can honestly say I'm done hoping you'll change. By your actions and harsh words, you've actually closed the book for me. Thank you. I know you will never change because I know you do not have Christ. A situation like this leads to hate for most people but my heart is torn apart at the truth of where you'll be spending eternity unless you come to realization for your need for Christ. I've spoke of this with you and I know others have as well and my conscience is clear. I honestly pray God will bring you to your knees because it's there you'll see He is your life and death. I do pine for the knowledge that while we're done here on earth more then likely, I can see you new and whole, dancing with overwhelming joy in Christ's arm in Heaven one day, that we'd spend an eternity together. I do not hate you. I do very much dislike you but that will not get in the way of the Christ-like love that is required of me.
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