All Should Be Well Now, There's Hope LEO Carer

So it's been about five months after Neal so bravely admitted himself into the local psychiatric hospital for his PTSD.  As his wife, I couldn't be prouder of him for making this decision and I'm not in the least ashamed of him.  I've said this before and I'll always say it, he's more of a man for going to the hospital and seeking help than for a stubborn and prideful sufferer who doesn't seek out whatever treatment is necessary.  With that said, I do want to disclaim that I know all to well fear can be a huge part, and usually is, to receive the help you need.  This is an understatement in the LEO world.  In my husband's experience, once he 'let that cat out of the bag' that was the end of his career but if he wouldn't have let that cat out and received help, well, I'd hate to have found out what would have happened eventually.  If he would have said something sooner, he could have very well continued in the career he loved.

So now that there's been an inpatient stay and nearly a month of intensive, daily outpatient care you'd think our family could get started moving forward huh? You'd think that all should be well now.  To everyone in our world who doesn't wear our shoes, all should be sunshine and lollipops now.

It wasn't just Neal who went through PTSD, it was me as well.  I wasn't the sufferer but the carer. I was the carer of someone with a severe mental disorder that affected EVERY minute of every day/night, let alone the Mama of three young children with no real support (as in people to help with the kids to care for my husband who came first).  I had to play Mama and Daddy in so many ways. That was okay with me though because all I wanted was him to be alive at the end of the day and to be able to have a future to spend with him. To say I lost myself in the midst of PTSD, just as my husband lost himself, is the least of it.

All of the sudden I didn't need to care for him, worry to the point of sickness about him, control the environment of our household-have you tried managing the noise/stress level of a household with an ADHD/sensory sensitive 8-year-old and two toddlers even without a severely disabled PTSD survivor?!?    :-p

I didn't have to control every moment of every day/night for his sanity now. Weird, inconceivable.

God has always had his hand of protection over Neal's case of PTSD and he was NEVER abusive. So with that said, I never had to protect my children from their Daddy in that manner. I did have to play carefully the interactions my 8 y/o was exposed to. Exactly how do you tell an intelligent Daddy's girl that Daddy isn't really here even though he's here? How do you tell her he's intolerably irritable because he doesn't sleep, and there was no way I'd expose her to the truth of the reasons why Daddy didn't sleep.  All she knew was that Daddy was a police officer and because he loved his job so much, he did it well, sometimes so well he sacrificed himself a little at a time.  His brain was hurt on the job, with something called PTSD,  but that God's in control and while it's hard right now, God's got it and will turn everything that's hard right now into good.  I was far from the perfect Mama during those days but I pray if my children saw one thing from their Mama was that not only did she love their Daddy but most of all, I trusted in God.  That He was the only true Hope in life.

My better half is a world better now because he is a real man and got help when needed but now there's me to work on. I don't know who I am any more, what I once loved, etc Heck, I don't even have the ability to think clearly due to depression and anxiety.  How do I heal from all of the stuff PTSD has taken away from me?

Until next time....if you're reading this and have a LEO that's disabled and you're still in the dark, I KNOW very deeply the pain of the isolation it causes.  The depression, the pain, the sadness of watching the one you love dissolve, disappear all the while still being there. It's like they died but are still with you. Somehow everyone thought I should have just been grateful he was not a LEO any more so that now we could 'live a normal life' but what about the real experience of losing him? I was left to discover and grieve all of this myself, alone, so very isolated.  Dear carer, please know that at least one other person in this world feels your pain and suffering from the load you carry for your LEO. You're not alone.  You have to have faith in a Higher Power (in my case, God) that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, even though you can't imagine that EVER happening.  I promise you that good can be made from all of this, it'll just take time and healing.  You stay strong for your LEO, you might be the only reason he's alive today. Your healing can/will come one day, just as I'm now, finally, seeking mine but I know it'll be a long road. I know with all of my heart that there is a fuller, more whole heart, soul, mind on my way.  Yours is too one day and it all can begin to turn around tomorrow. So just have hope, just believe in Hope.