Another Day That My Husband Has Proven to be a Man More Than Any Other

July 11, 2009

I remember this day. It's one of those days that will forever change your life. 

On this day Neal was still a MD State Trooper. On this day I was blessed to be at a wedding, on the dance floor, in his arms because there were plenty of moments in his career that could have taken him from me. Standing there, dancing with him, I knew he was set apart. I knew that he was set apart to make a different for His Saviors kingdom, I just had no clue how that would play out. I was keeping a secret of his that I knew would one day, soon enough, blow up or 'hit the fan' as some say. I knew my husband was tormented when he closed his eyes at night. I knew he was haunted in his sleep. I knew he drank to deal with these scenes that he experienced on the job. Standing there in his arms I felt strength that only the Holy Spirit can give. I knew God was carrying us but I also knew I had to be strong for the both of us and what was to come. I had no clue when his secret would come to head, get out and change our lives, all I knew was that I promised to love and honor Neal all the days of my life, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad and I was prepared and blessed to do just that.

In this picture we look so happy. Don't we?  Don't let it fool you. By this time we were the king and queen of masks. I'm truly smiling in this pictures because I love him and am blessed to call him my husband but in that moment my heart was also breaking and his has been shattered into a million pieces. He had too much to drink that night and I knew why. It was because of his recently diagnosed PTSD. 

We were at a wedding of a fellow State Trooper with plenty of 'friends' of the MDSP and Neal was just another one of them drunk. Believe me when I say, this was pretty much the norm for these gatherings. But before you judge, condemn him, please stop for a second and think about why they drink. They see stuff and deal with stuff that forever change their hearts, minds and perspective of humanity and even God. There are very few people who can do what officers do. Who are we, civilians, to say that we could be in their shoes and would never acquire their coping mechanisms?

Neal couldn't handle the pressure of his secret any more so he knew he had to let it out that night. Being drunk probably made it much easier actually. I knew he was preparing to tell his Sergeant about his PTSD that night and all I wanted to do was have him know without a doubt that I will be here, by his side, fighting beside him and even for him whatever should come.  

The world has it so messed up. They think you're not a man for admitting your faults and struggles. I say you couldn't be more wrong. What wife is proud of her husband hiding his demons, struggles, masking them with alcohol and every other behavior that comes with denial? No one. It takes a real man to admit your struggles and seek help. I could go on about this but I won't. That's a whole post in itself!

So we went out to a local restaurant/bar after the wedding for Neal to share with Sergeant his diagnosis. This was one of those days you just remember as the floor falling out from underneath of you and spinning out of control. Once this was out, there was no taking it back, no ignoring it. It would leave a footprint on his career (we just didn't know how big) and the rest of our lives. And at the same time, I couldn't feel more proud of Neal. I poured my love and support into him so that while his whole world was slipping out of control I wanted him to know without a doubt I would never slip from his hands. 

After Neal told him everything was a blur. It was as if we were holding our breaths for what was to come next and we were blacking out. All I do remember is Sergeant looking very seriously at Neal, pledging his support (I guess we all have different ideas of what this looks like) and saying, 'I had someone in command of me years ago and he killed himself in his patrol car out in the barrack parking lot due to PTSD.' This wasn't all that he said, it is just what stood out to me the most. Not exactly an encouraging thing to say to someone in the midst of battling PTSD.  

While this day seems like it would be deemed as unredeemable, it was one of the first steps of 'letting go and letting God,' It was just one of many dots in our redemptive story of our life, our testimony of His faithfulness and grace.