Construction to Deconstruction

Relevant Magazine quotes deconstruction as being, "—an academic term for the systematic pulling apart of the belief system you were raised in. It’s what happens when the questions you’ve pushed down your whole life finally bubble over the surface, and you’re forced to stare honestly at your doubts. The infallibility of the Bible. The omniscience of God. The finality of hell." 

I can not believe I'm here.  If you look over my blog posts for the past decade +, you can see I attest so much to God. You'll read me claim that my belief in God is the only thing that has got me through some rough storms.  Heck, the previous post typed up and shared (wholeheartedly) is talking about trusting God when nothing makes sense.  

That post meant so much to me when I read it and shared it but now, I can see what was going on.  It was a year and a half of REALLY struggling with God and life.  In the summer of 2018, a serious health diagnosis for my husband (or should I say a second serious health diagnosis) was made.  I was angry at God. I was angry at God for not only the second diagnosis that could/would change our lives but if I was 100% transparent, the anger had been building for years.  I was encouraged to just, "Keep trusting", "Keep praying", "Dig into the Word and praise and worship music", etc If you grew up in the Church, you know the terms Christians use. Now, these words that are meant for encouragement-churn my stomach and soul sour.  From ages 14 to 34 I built my faith journey the typical way a Christian American does...praying, worship, attending Bible study, sharing my "testimony", trusting God, surrendering, etc I mean so much so, I gave up people and relationships to "seek God's will for my/our life." I was SO confident in following God's will but if I'm honest, looking back now, there has been so much pain and disappointment in that.  What I would have sworn was God's "will", turned out in heartache. The disappointments are too many to list and I can't find peace within that.  I just can't.  So with this new health diagnosis and unwillingness to admit to myself, let alone anyone else my doubts, I just kept going.  

Until I couldn't anymore.  Until now. 

I like the way Hilary from The Liturgist explains the term deconstruction.

"Deconstruction is pulling apart a story that felt like maybe we were never allowed to pull apart. I was given a story about what faith is. I was given a story about how to do belief and maybe some of the things I was given a long time ago don't' work anymore and I'm ready for something new.  Maybe I don't want to leave all of the old story but I don't want to keep it all either.  It's a careful sifting, thoughtful examination, maybe even critique of belief structures that is often accompanied by an emotional response, perhaps grief.  Perhaps a sense of anger or frustration or sadness but ultimately is about making space for questions. Making space for thinking about things differently than we've  always been told has to be thought about a certain way."

I had questions that God wasn't willing to answer and that the Church just expected me to plow down and not give thought to.  But it was these questions, doubts, and pain that led me to deconstruction.  

There is just some stuff that I can't make peace with such as,

-If you're so loving, why do you allow such suffering in the world? *Note-we are currently in the COVID-19 world-wide pandemic. Case in point*

-I can say wholeheartedly that I followed you, surrendered my life to you and it's led to depression, disappointment, pain.  Has my 'faith' (whatever that is) kept me alive, yes.  But looking back, 'faith' was just a system of belief that should never be challenged. It was a way of doing life, a checklist.  The way of doing life in the American Church (especially the Pentecostal Church), may even be a crutch.  

-Why doesn't science match up to some Biblical views?

These are just some questions that I have on top of my head. If I dig deeper there are many more and I'm too intellectual to cover these hard questions with 'faith.' 

Also on The Liturgist, Michael Gungor said in the podcast, 'Is Deconstruction a Bad Thing?':

"Sometimes when we are creating something beautiful or new there are a lot of times an erase tool is needed.  Sometimes you have to get rid of things that are in the way."

I'm ready to get rid of what's not working, what doesn't make sense, what has weighed me down for so long.  

Oh and please no comments such as, "Oh, she's backslid!", "You just need more faith", "You just need to trust God more", "You just need to surrender to God." 😉