Today My Husband....
Today, May 20th, 2015, my husband did one of the most courageous things he has ever done. It didn't have anything with being a hero, a Trooper. He was transparent, admitted he was at rock bottom, admitted he was scared. He did something most men I think would never do due to pride. He willingly got professional help for his law-enforcement induced PTSD.
What led him there? A disorder that comes from the enemy himself. It began with evil spirits that are evident at the scenes of a suicide as a Maryland State Trooper. It started when he walked in on a teenager that had used a shotgun to end his life a few seconds before he arrived to help. It began when he turned his back for a split second to the perpetrator in a domestic violence situation to make sure he was protecting his wife, the victim. In that split second the perpetrator attacked him from behind and started a choke hold and my husband started to black out. It started with someone pointing a gun at him, pointing a knife in his direction, during a shoot-out as bullet's whizzed by. It started when someone threatened that he knows where he lives and he will follow him home at the end of the shift, kill him and then his family. It started when he was walking through the woods at night and felt a bump only to shine a light on someone who hung himself a few weeks back. It also stemmed from having to tell a family member their loved one was just killed in a car accident. Just one of these scenes and we would be scarred for the rest of our life, let alone the numerous circumstances he witnessed.
It's a disorder that changes you from 'that' moment in time forward. It's a disorder that changes your outlook on life, on humanity and if I'm honest, God sometimes. You begin to trust no one, you don't feel anymore, you begin to numb these feelings any way possible, your relationships are strained, to say the least. You don't sleep due to those horrific scenes relentlessly playing in your mind to no avail.
The one I once fell in love with and married became a shell of fear, anxiety that controlled EVERY aspect of life, someone who was tormented and couldn't even get relief at night because that is when the demons really came out to play with his mind. That sounds extreme but I have no doubt in my soul that that is exactly what happens with PTSD. Yes, it's a disorder that changes the biochemistry in your brain and body. Yes, it actually diminishes and exaggerates the size of different parts of the brain. But, even more, than it is physiological, it was a spiritual battle.
So that is what led him to today. I guess God wasn't joking when He gave us the verse that says, 'Be strong and courageous...' I know for some wives, today would mark a very low point in life but this isn't the case in my shoes. Last night, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that Neal would make this wise choice. The Holy Spirit led me to know this is one of the best choices Neal could make for himself and our family. It is here that he and his symptoms will finally be taken seriously and not be a victim of 'the system' (healthcare and greedy, uncaring therapists and doctors). It was a road that was hard to choose but the best path is always the hardest.
I love you Neal and I'm so proud of you.
What led him there? A disorder that comes from the enemy himself. It began with evil spirits that are evident at the scenes of a suicide as a Maryland State Trooper. It started when he walked in on a teenager that had used a shotgun to end his life a few seconds before he arrived to help. It began when he turned his back for a split second to the perpetrator in a domestic violence situation to make sure he was protecting his wife, the victim. In that split second the perpetrator attacked him from behind and started a choke hold and my husband started to black out. It started with someone pointing a gun at him, pointing a knife in his direction, during a shoot-out as bullet's whizzed by. It started when someone threatened that he knows where he lives and he will follow him home at the end of the shift, kill him and then his family. It started when he was walking through the woods at night and felt a bump only to shine a light on someone who hung himself a few weeks back. It also stemmed from having to tell a family member their loved one was just killed in a car accident. Just one of these scenes and we would be scarred for the rest of our life, let alone the numerous circumstances he witnessed.
It's a disorder that changes you from 'that' moment in time forward. It's a disorder that changes your outlook on life, on humanity and if I'm honest, God sometimes. You begin to trust no one, you don't feel anymore, you begin to numb these feelings any way possible, your relationships are strained, to say the least. You don't sleep due to those horrific scenes relentlessly playing in your mind to no avail.
The one I once fell in love with and married became a shell of fear, anxiety that controlled EVERY aspect of life, someone who was tormented and couldn't even get relief at night because that is when the demons really came out to play with his mind. That sounds extreme but I have no doubt in my soul that that is exactly what happens with PTSD. Yes, it's a disorder that changes the biochemistry in your brain and body. Yes, it actually diminishes and exaggerates the size of different parts of the brain. But, even more, than it is physiological, it was a spiritual battle.
So that is what led him to today. I guess God wasn't joking when He gave us the verse that says, 'Be strong and courageous...' I know for some wives, today would mark a very low point in life but this isn't the case in my shoes. Last night, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that Neal would make this wise choice. The Holy Spirit led me to know this is one of the best choices Neal could make for himself and our family. It is here that he and his symptoms will finally be taken seriously and not be a victim of 'the system' (healthcare and greedy, uncaring therapists and doctors). It was a road that was hard to choose but the best path is always the hardest.
I love you Neal and I'm so proud of you.
Oh, Hon...my retired LEO still has the demons come out and attack...in sleep and just in his reactions to what he sees on the news. My prayers. and support to him, you and your entire family.God bless.
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