Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me

It's lengthy but every word is worth reading to a weary soul.  The heart that's turning to God with the question, "Why?" Trust me, read this.  This passage is from Lysa Terkeurst's book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way." She wrote it one day while journaling. It's not supposed to be prophesy but a dialogue between God and Jesus. Upside Down The Son turned his head and quizzically said, "Hmmm...Father, those are strange words to assign to this life. Can we pick some other words? I have some fantastic suggestions for this one. She's optimistic and strong. She's caring and compassionate. She's good and generous, and she's so very aware of others. She's a deep thinker and a deep feeler all in one. She's so very rare, Father. Yes, she's rare." "I know. And that's why she must be upside down." "Father, as she gets older I don't think she will like that You gave her these words. ...

No, that blog title isn't some positive statement saying that I stop to smell the roses or stop to notice the sunset every night, the sunrise, etc Or that, it's those little things that bring true, pure joy in life that keep me going amidst this time between the two gardens (Eden and the New Heaven). Nope, it's the little things that this past year, I'd normally chalk up to 'synchronicity of the universe' or, what I used to call 'God stops.' 'God stops' being when God just grabs your attention.  Why the two universes of thought you may wonder? Because I'm in a major faith struggle, the biggest one of my 34 years if I'm being honest.  Up until this point, the people closest to me would say my faith and trust in God is strong, encouraging even and I'd have to agree actually. My faith has been the only thing that's gotten me through life's curve balls, disappointments, challenges, heartaches, whatever you want to call them. ...

Sometimes it's just easier to focus on the negative than the positive but if I'm honest, the first half of 2018 was good but I feel the need to point out the good that God DID do. We found the kids a private Christian school to put them in and it's been a God-send to all of us. Would I love to not have to pay for school, of course, but I just can't bring myself to send my children to public school, especially in the N.E. In fact, for me personally, the school is the only reason I'm still living up here.  The second good thing that happened in the first half of the year is that we moved into our new home - back up North - January 3, 2018, which is exactly the date we moved down to TN, 7 years previously ;) Kinda cool how that worked out.  It seemed God's hand was in every detail of selling our dream home in TN and moving us up here.  The first half of the year brought redemption.  That's the word the Lord laid on my heart for this move back up North.  H...

How should someone process the blinders that were ripped off their eyes exposing the truth that's complex and scary? It's like someone snuck up behind, ripped off the eye mask on the brightest day, ever.  Up until this time, the blinders have been on but every once and a while someone would lift the flap just enough to see the light of the sun but only for a second or it would hurt the eyes. It's like when you become accustomed to the dark and you can only stand so much light before your eyes start hurting. The mask has been ripped off of my mind and my heart.  The light is now in all it's glory and beauty which truth, which is always beautiful, but it still hurts my eyes because of the shock between darkness to light.  Don't get me wrong, the truth is always better than sitting in darkness, lack of truth. But exactly how do you process the knowledge that the seed you came from is text-book narcissistic? How can one deal with the painful knowledge that the...

 'The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?' -Jer. 17:9 My heart tells me that I'm alone and that no one in my life could possibly understand.  It reminds me that the past relives itself and leads me to believe that turmoil is my destiny.  My heart leads me to build walls, to not let anyone in.  It keeps me looking back, comparing what I did have within my grasp at once but can't seem to find again.  My heart is like a wild animal, caged or a reed being blown violently in a hurricane.  BUT Your Word says that I can not live by my heart or emotions. Oh, how I have failed you at this my Father but I know you'll cover it in Your Grace.   Help me to replace the loneliness with your constant, the anger and sin with your good and the fearfulness with your Sovereignty.   It's the belief in the truth that you'll never forsake me that has got me through before.  You're the only...

PTSD causes isolation of the sufferer but it also puts the carer (AKA support partner, 'battle buddy' or in my case the wife) in a whirlwind of isolation as well. Post-traumatic stress disorder lurks around every corner of life.  Just when the sufferer thinks they've made great strides in conquering triggers and gained momentous coping skills, IT sneaks around the corner just like a thief in the night. IT holds your life hostage. IT steals so much from the sufferer and the family that's involved.  Just when your guard is down, IT takes you by surprise and throws your world upside down-again with no idea how long it will last this time.   I can't imagine how my husband feels in relation to how PTSD isolates.  We have only come across one person who has PTSD and it's not a personal relationship so there is no mutual support.  Post-traumatic stress disorder isn't a common ground, especially since only 5% of men develop it.  So that makes me want to scr...

" Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is." I've been working on this concept for a while know, turns out I'm really hard-headed.  I honestly don't see how people can accomplish this concept without a Higher Power.  My Higher Power is the God of the Bible and His son Jesus Christ. Knowing that God knows the number of hairs on my hard-head, that He knows my numbered days and has them all planned out for me, to give me a "hope and a future", these promises give me much peace.   How can I not trust Him?  He has done miracles in our lives. He's lead us from our home state into a community and church that was saturated of Him, His Word and discipleship.  He's fought for us in our case against a state's retirement board for a medical disability. He's given us numerous brothers and sist...

Today, May 20th, 2015, my husband did one of the most courageous things he has ever done. It didn't have anything with being a hero, a Trooper.  He was transparent, admitted he was at rock bottom, admitted he was scared. He did something most men I think would never do due to pride. He willingly got professional help for his law-enforcement induced PTSD. What led him there? A disorder that comes from the enemy himself. It began with evil spirits that are evident at the scenes of a suicide as a Maryland State Trooper.  It started when he walked in on a teenager that had used a shotgun to end his life a few seconds before he arrived to help. It began when he turned his back for a split second to the perpetrator in a domestic violence situation to make sure he was protecting his wife, the victim. In that split second the perpetrator attacked him from behind and started a choke hold and my husband started to black out. It started with someone pointing a gun at him, pointing a kn...

There I was sitting on that high pedal stool for so many years. To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden. I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it.  I was placed up high on that pedal stool.  It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper. To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great.  So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool. There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their...

Today I'm not strong. Today I'm not a rock. Today I'm empty, a dry well.   Today I'm worn, crushed under this weight.   Lord, I need your peace. I need the rest only you can provide.   This is today but I know tomorrow is an all new hope set in You.  Thank you for that hope. Why don't I feel Your supernatural strength?  Is it because you're withholding, not to be mean, but to teach me something? To make me truly rely on you? I thought I've passed that lesson.  What am I missing here Lord?  Or do I not feel you because of an unknown sin? Maybe it's a sin I know of such as fear, apathy or anxiety that has created a barrier.  I've been begging you for months to help me with these sins.  Is it because I'm selfish? I'm tired of pouring out. Please reveal to me clearly as you always have as to what's going on in the spiritual realm of my heart.   Normally I can confidently continue supporting this weight of being his rock, their rock ...

A new year.  I've always been torn as the new year approaches as to be excited to let the current year pass or to be anxious about what lies ahead in the next. Before we moved to TN I couldn't wait to say good riddance to the year and start the next.  The New Years we've spent in TN have almost been bittersweet to leave behind because the years have been full of blessings. 2014 has been a blessing because Avalynn Joy was born and she is just that, a true gift of joy, that completes my heart despite the life shocking news of her existence ;-) We finally moved into, Lord willing, the house we love and will raise our children in. After much disruption in my personal living situations for the past ten years, this change was my heart's desire.  As much as it's been amazing, it's been a difficult year as well.  The calling of being obedient to God in situations (two situations that affect everyday life, so nothing minuscule) have honestly weighed heavily on my hea...

There you are. Standing or spinning, maybe even crawling, in a wilderness you never expected to be in. Where your soul once felt overflowing it now feels dry.  Your environment once was lush with milk and honey spiritually speaking, full of people who knew you, loved you and you lived daily and deeply with in the 'fellowship of believers' (Acts 2). The picture of your wilderness doesn't look so bad on the outside but it's not the environment you thrive in and the worst part, you can't figure out exactly what's off or lacking in order to 'fix it.' I believe this is the part of the story where God says, 'Exactly honey!'  :-) You've just had enough!  So you pray the Lord changed His mind and leads you elsewhere because we run from difficulty but in the difficulty is where you find your lifeline, manna. We think that if the Lord led us to difficulty, or a wilderness, that He is cruel or unloving, but it's quite the opposite.  The wilderne...

'Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, But much revenue  comes  by the strength of the ox.' -Proverbs 14:4 We like things pretty, presentable, neat, organized. We like to present ourselves as 'having it all together.' We do not like hard work or to get dirt under our nails though it's perfectly acceptable in our society to work hard to advance ourselves, to build wealth but we flee when we sense the Holy Spirit is guiding us to look inward and work with our very own mess.  Who exactly jumps for joy when He whispers to our hearts that it's time to look inside to start dealing with our issues and sins that keep us from living the abundant life Christ died for us to have (John 10:10)?   Tracy Cameron, our minister, is guiding us through a sermon series titled, 'Renew Your Mind.'  It's about living as a new creation in Christ, recognizing lies the enemy convinces us to believe and saying "no more!"  I've been set free from some...

'His call, when obeyed, changes everything.' This daily article from Crosswalk.com talks about your life taking a dramatic turn when we trust Him and follow Him.   God's guidance to Tennessee is prime example for Neal and I that when He calls and we obey and follow Him, our lives swiftly, abundantly and eternally change.  How did our lives change? you ask and is this 'change' even favorable? Yes but it did come with a cost. When God made it clear that Franklin TN was the next phase in our life and that we were to leave everything, everyone we knew our whole lives to a foreign land called Franklin, for once I was completely living in His peace. He whispered to me that if I would  trust in Him, follow Him out of completely blind faith that this move would give life to my heart and would make an eternal impact. For confirmations, He gave us the story of Abraham's calling from his father's land to a foreign land where God would bless him. He also used Pro...

Here is our  story that God has created for us. It's detailed but read all the way through if you want to know more about us, where we came from and the trials we've come through by on His grace.  I still can't believe it's our story, I wouldn't change a thing! All of this, all under the age of  30!  What else could He have in store?! He was 15 as was I.  I went to church with his best friend (Jeremy Willet) and Jer's girl friend (Kat) who is now my kindred spirit in life.  Neal was playing in a Christian band with Jer and they were playing a show one summer afternoon.  Neal was playing drums and it was like the sky parted and God pointed Neal out to me. He was cute and  a musician!  Oh my.  I had just made a commitment to God to focus on Him instead of a boyfriend until He showed me the 'right one.'  So after the sky parting and a heavenly light shining down I left it at that, trusting God with my heart. Our...