A New Year Facing the Trenches of PTSD

A new year.  I've always been torn as the new year approaches as to be excited to let the current year pass or to be anxious about what lies ahead in the next. Before we moved to TN I couldn't wait to say good riddance to the year and start the next.  The New Years we've spent in TN have almost been bittersweet to leave behind because the years have been full of blessings.

2014 has been a blessing because Avalynn Joy was born and she is just that, a true gift of joy, that completes my heart despite the life shocking news of her existence ;-) We finally moved into, Lord willing, the house we love and will raise our children in. After much disruption in my personal living situations for the past ten years, this change was my heart's desire. 

As much as it's been amazing, it's been a difficult year as well.  The calling of being obedient to God in situations (two situations that affect everyday life, so nothing minuscule) have honestly weighed heavily on my heart and worn me down but this is more than likely just selfishness. We have learned all too well that disobedience to the Lord is a place we do not want to live in again. 

Then there's the whole PTSD aspect of our current year. As 2014 is behind us, we face a new year of living with it. The past two months have been enough stress for the whole year, enough for the past three years that his symptoms have been somewhat dormant. PTSD has been the worst it's ever been and my husband now faces months of weekly sessions.  These sessions are truly a blessing that God has made available because they're a key tool in his recovery.  I'm thankful for the circumstances the Lord has guided him to make these sessions free to us.  But, on the flip side they almost feel like impending doom.  It means intense sessions that we will never know if they'll result in a temporary hell for the following seven days (or so) or a small step forward in healing. To say living on eggshells is exhausting isn't 1/10th of it. 

I'm exhausted at the thought of continuing to live the next three months as we've lived the past two. I honestly CAN NOT imagine how I will continue to be what I need to be in the months that are ahead of us. I have a husband that needs me 100%, literally 24/7. I want to be what God's called wives to be to their husbands, a helper.  But how can I continue to be what he needs and meet the needs of a baby, toddler and high-maintenance seven-year-old whom I homeschool? How can I continue to pour out into four people, of whom I Iove and pour into ever so willingly, when I myself am empty, exhausted on all levels and now starting to feel physically sick due to the load? Most importantly, how can I be everything they all need and deserve?

Come Friday, January 2nd, I'm completely on my own in being the provider of care to my family.  Without PTSD that's manageable, with it it's overwhelming. We've had family in town that has lifted my load in relation to physically caring for my littles.  I'm pretty certain everyone can agree that there is a difference between having blood family help with the kiddos vs asking even very close friends for help.  Everyone has their own lives and families to attend to, care for and provide for on a daily basis.  My heart longs to pick back up the life of Titus 2, discipleship of an older woman of faith speaking into the younger women.  

My faith is normally stronger.  I can not believe how much complaining or 'glass is half empty' syndrome is in this blog, I'm actually kind of embarrassed.  But, I know my God understands valleys and gives grace in these lows.  I know He doesn't expect me to be perfect because, in His eyes, I actually am, only because I'm covered by His Son's blood.  I know this fear and anxiety can be turned around and will be on a day to day basis, to be dependent on my Father, my Heavenly Father that is.  I know Jesus did not shed His blood for me to live in fear or anxiety.  This year I will conquer this thorn with His power.  God, please.  

God, you're good.  I don't doubt this, never have and I pray I never will.  I'm trying to give thanks when possible.  I thank you for placing these thorns in our lives that are made to keep us humble and in need of you.   I pray this year will only bring even more dependence on you and not myself, as well as bring me closer to Your side.  I need to feel tucked safely under your loving and peaceful wings. 

I have no doubt Neal and I will battle together in the trenches of PTSD and come out victorious, hopefully bringing God glory and I know our faithfulness will be accounted to us for our good. I will hold on to these words Lord:

"...My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always."

"This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

[Verse 2:]
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 3:]
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand"