Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me

2/6/2006 Dear God, We need you. So often have I prayed that Neal would turn to you once again. So often I have prayed with all my heart for this, I've been praying this for a while now.  We talked about a few things tonight that needed to be out in the open but one conversation isn't enough. It seems that Neal has completely shut down, turned off his heart since we've got married. This hurts me so much.  It breaks my heart knowing that Neal doesn't have a desire for you Lord or anything else any more.   God, what happened to him? Is it something I did? Please reveal things to me! ..... Please God, correct my husband's heart.  Help him find himself in you God, not in the MDSP. ..... You spoke through Mr.John on Sunday night. Does this mean that this time is going to be different?  Oh God please! Please!   You revealed to Mr. John tonight that You were going to use us and that we won't have to wait very long because we are mature for our age.  Oh Lord

'You trusted Me when it came to moving down to TN and knowing I'd do great things through that move.  You trusted Me when things got rough with Neal's PTSD and when the storms overwhelmed you.  What happened?  You stopped trusting Me all of the sudden.  You got through half of this test called trust.  What are you going to do for the second half?  Once you got down to your new home I provided you, you stopped trusting Me in the little things of this life.  You let yourself be bogged down by your lack of trust in Me, your Savior! You started trusting in people and the situations you thought they had power over.  You trusted employers for a job, people to fulfill the desires of your heart and what you'd like to see happen in your life. You've trusted in people's ability (or so you thought, people's power/control) to solve conflict, trust in a board of trustees and your lawyer more than me,  you've trusted still too much in yourself.  Here is where the rubb

"Jess, Consider these things in my Word that I've put in your way right now....  Am I enough for you?"  -God Psalm 37:3-7 3   Trust in the LORD and do good ;    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4   Take delight in the LORD,    and he will give you the desires of your heart.   5  Commit your way to the LORD;    trust in him and he will do this: 6   He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,    your vindication like the noonday sun.   7   Be still before the LORD    and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways,    when they carry out their wicked schemes. To me God just wants me to keep on doing good, trusting Him when I don't understand, when the pain/fears seem to outweigh the good that can be measured in this life. Right now I see God has brought us through stuff by being by our side and teaching us.  In some ways I think I just expect God to deliver me/us of stuff.  More then likely that'

We can read all about the psychological aspects of PTSD but where can we find an account of the emotional aspects for the carer or supporter of a PTSD sufferer?  I've attempted to compile a short explanation below.  I'm sure I could list numerous other emotional responses but there are the normative.   Let me just say, I realize below could sound deep or dark but my God IS bigger then PTSD and all things will work out for the good of those who love the Lord. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  Here we go... If I allowed myself, every time I think of what my husband experiences with PTSD  I could feel immense sorrow and heartache due to the immeasurable affliction my loved one experiences.  Fear and anxiety are huge contributors when watching him  live with PTSD . Fear for his safety, fear of the unknown.  When he is having a horrible episode of flash backs, is he in his right mind?  Did you know that police officers are THREE TIMES more likely to die by th

It's tough being married to a cop!  Le'ts just be honest here.  Ladies, I need your open heart and opinion please.   What is your #1 challenge as a L.E.O.'s (law enforcement officer) wife?   I'd like to focus on just you, not your family.  I'll give you another opportunity to share you hearts as to how it relates to the whole family but as a wife, what you're biggest challenge?  Thanks so much!   The time you take to answer this question for me will help a lot of other wives our there in America!  Your opinion really matters to me and my husband.  We are currently organizing a non-pro organization to raise awareness for Law Enforcement PTSD.  My husband is 26 and retired due to PTSD and we have learned, unfortunately the hard way, that police officers suffer in silence when it comes to the horrific condition.  We are dedicating our lives to speaking out!  Again, thank you for your time ladies.   -Jess Haines Writer of Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me Blog

I think in today's society we keep people at a distance, we think we don't need close friendships.  I myself keep people at a distance, afraid to get hurt eventually while at the same time desire a few quality friendships that I can be authentic and transparent with.   Wee can also convince ourselves that we don't need people, true friends, in our lives.  Then of course we all fight the battle of not wanting people to know the true us.  In our society we somehow always hide our true selves, afraid or ashamed of our real selves.  We put on that mask, like our lives are perfect and we've got it all together.  I've learned the more people put on this mask the more messed up they really are.  I'm not being judgmental, I used to be one of them! I believe God created us to "do life" with people, alongside us.  Having brothers and sisters in Christ stand behind us and be there for us, night or day, during our battle with PTSD has made life that much easier.

Romans 8:28 "We know that all things for together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."  "Am I enough?" That's what God whispered to me last week. "Am I enough when... Sickness is in play.... Your under attack from the enemy... There is no monetary stability (AKA rich)... When things are 'not fair' Am I enough for you Jessica?" "Yes Lord, you are, you will always be" was my response, I was then put to the test and I'm glad He did.  When we listen carefully, the Lord whispers to our hearts when things are coming.  He prepares us. So the next week Neal gets what looks like a pimple on his thigh. The next day it's red, warm, raised and cellulitis sets in.  He goes to get it checked out and it is thought to be a Brown Recluse spider bite so he is put on very strong antibiotics and less then 24 hours later it starts to heal. The following week or so, sickness hits him, he

Third Day "When the Rain Comes" When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace To run and hide Escape the pain But hiding's such a lonely thing to do I can't stop the rain From falling down on you again I can't stop the rain But I will hold you 'til it goes away When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone Rest awhile it'll be alright No one loves you like I do When the rain comes I will hold you We decided that this would be 'our song' when we were dating.  We danced to it at our wedding as our first dance.  What were we thinking when we made this our song?! LOL  But I'm proud to say, only through Christ though, the rain HAS COME but there is still a "we."  We are still in existence, I believe most wouldn't be.  God is good, ALL THE TIME!

A month or so before we moved to TN God was testing my faith.  He led me to the story of Abraham and how He called Abraham to a new land and promised many things.  God was calling me to TN, to trust God. To trust Him 100%.  I didn't know anyone but my parents and sister.  I didn't have any friends (other then my sister) nor did I have a church or church family.  I didn't know what our future would look like but I felt in my spirit that if I just trusted the Lord, followed Him to this new land, that I would be blessed and would find Him at the next level.  And what do you know...just as God was in MD when we left He was in TN with His arms wide open, proud of me and my obedience and trust in Him.  He has poured out so many blessings already in the first 6 months that we've been here.  I just can't imagine all He will reveal to me as I take baby steps forward, to finish crossing my Jordan.

I AM IN AWE OF YOUR LORD!  YOUR FAITHFULNESS JUST BLOWS MY MIND!  I've been asking you to show me how much you love me, just how important I am to you.  You have been doing just that by doing as Beth Moore calls "God Stops."  A "God Stop" (or G.S. for short) is any way God discloses Himself to me.  Let me start explaining my G.S. for June 27, 2011... I've been thinking of the past.  I've been learning how to get over hurts, hangups and strongholds, etc  The past 6 months that we've lived in TN has been an amazing time of healing for me, all due to the guidance of the Lord of course.  Last week the Lord led me to Psamls 78:3,4 "things we have heard and known, things our ancestors have told us.  We will not hide them from their descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done."  I have a desire to teach Emery that the Lord is faithful. I read the daily verse sent to m

"The Travelers Gift" by Andy Andrews Letter 1 of 7: The Buck Stops Here From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past.  I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger future of my own choosing.   Never again will I blame my parents, my spouse, my boss or other employees for my present situation.  Neither my education nor lack of one, my genetics, or the circumstantial ebb and flow of everyday life will affect my future in a negative way.  If I allow myself to blame these uncontrollable forces for my lack of success, I will be forever caught in a web of the past.  I will look forward.  I will not let my history control my destiny. The buck stops here.  I accept responsibility for my past.  I am responsible for my success.   I am where I am today-mentally, psychically, spirituality, emotionally and financially-because of

Today at 2:30 AM Trooper 1st Class, Shaft Hunter, was killed in the line of duty.  My husband is retired from being a State Trooper and I'm thankful every day he is not a cop any more.  Even though he isn't in that line of work any more he carries scars.  Days like today, reminders of his previous career, have a tendency to bring flash backs, nightmares, depression and sometimes panic attacks. When someone thinks of PTSD they more then likely think of Vietnam or a solider who fought over seas during "The War on Terror."  I've had family members tell me that my husband needs to just "get over" PTSD and move on.  If it were only that easy.  Oh how I have wished that he could take some kind of treatment or medicine to "get over" PTSD, like when we do when we have a cold or infection.   My husband fought PTSD for years in silence, without the knowledge of what his demon was.  His scars are ingrained in his mind, not in his skin.   Polic

*MAD* I’ve got to get something off of my chest… It's burning inside of me, I need to give it more to Christ. I need accountability in giving it to Christ.   It’s anger with Maryland State Police.  They are denying special disability.  Now, I know there are a lot of people out in this world that will lie, cheat and take advantage of things that will benefit them in life.  My husband is not one of them!  How can they deny the special disability saying, “it’s not job-related.”  HOW?!  I can’t help but believe they are just trying to screw him over and that he’s fallen through the cracks of the system, the system MDSP called, “a well-oiled machine.” I would bet my life  (you know I’m talking truth when I say this!) that his PTSD is in fact job-related.  Put it this way….when he talks about his PTSD moments (whether it be a flashback in the middle of the night, something during the day that sets him into a horrible mood because something triggered a moment of recall from a t