Mad

*MAD*

I’ve got to get something off of my chest…
It's burning inside of me, I need to give it more to Christ. I need accountability in giving it to Christ.  

It’s anger with Maryland State Police.  They are denying special disability.  Now, I know there are a lot of people out in this world that will lie, cheat and take advantage of things that will benefit them in life.  My husband is not one of them!  How can they deny the special disability saying, “it’s not job-related.”  HOW?!  I can’t help but believe they are just trying to screw him over and that he’s fallen through the cracks of the system, the system MDSP called, “a well-oiled machine.”

I would bet my life  (you know I’m talking truth when I say this!) that his PTSD is in fact job-related.  Put it this way….when he talks about his PTSD moments (whether it be a flashback in the middle of the night, something during the day that sets him into a horrible mood because something triggered a moment of recall from a traumatic event) every single event that haunts him is a call he attended on the job. Some, like my family, would say the word “haunting” is a little extreme….let’s look into that.

From Webster’s Dictionary:

1.to visit habitually or appear to frequently as a spirit or ghost: to haunt a house; to haunt a person.

2.to recur persistently to the consciousness of; remain with: Memories of love haunted him.

3.to visit frequently; go to often: He haunted the galleries and bars that the artists went to.

4.to frequent the company of; be often with: He haunted famous men, hoping to gain celebrity for himself.

5.to disturb or distress; cause to have anxiety; trouble; worry: His youthful escapades came back to haunt him.

Yes, haunt is the correct word.  Neal and I were watching the movie Amazing Grace (great movie by the way, highly recommend it!) the other night.  In the movie, it was night, a night of restless sleep and haunting dreams.  He, William Wilberforce, wakes up and is walking around the room.  He turns around quickly and has a vision of a child slave, chained up and reaching out to him as if the child was in his flesh with William.  

Now I don’t believe William had PTSD.  But Neal looked at me and said, “that’s what PTSD is like.”  The visions are not mixed with current real life but they haunt his thoughts with a simple reminder or trigger of a traumatic event.  It’s not all the time but he explains it as, “all of the dead people I’ve come across on my job just raid my dreams/thoughts, I can’t even close my eyes.”  Let me clarify though, this is not all the time, as in every minute or hour of the day.

EVERY SINGLE traumatic event he has described to me has been due to the job. The suicide of the teenage boy who blew half his head off. This kid had so much going for him.  But his girlfriend broke up with him so he ended his life in a gruesome way, something we'd never want to view.  Neal involuntarily plays the details over and over in his head (the blood, the brain matter, stepping over his body to verify his death once he arrived at the scene, having to tell his father who walked into the scene not long after Neal arrived).

There are numerous incidents and 75% I’m probably not even aware of.  HOW CAN THEY SAY IT’S NOT JOB-RELATED!?!

I’d also like to state on my life that the Neal Haines I married and the Neal Haines once he joined the state police are two different people.  Though by God’s grace he is on the road to “the old Neal” as I like to say!  He still deals with PTSD daily but he has learned to deal with it differently.  

I want this to be used.  I want our case and our experience to be used to help others in similar cases.  I don’t know how or when but I want that so bad, it’s a burning desire!  Lord, please make things clear for us.  Amen