How PTSD Affects Me As a Wife

We can read all about the psychological aspects of PTSD but where can we find an account of the emotional aspects for the carer or supporter of a PTSD sufferer?  I've attempted to compile a short explanation below.  I'm sure I could list numerous other emotional responses but there are the normative.  

Let me just say, I realize below could sound deep or dark but my God IS bigger then PTSD and all things will work out for the good of those who love the Lord. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  Here we go...

If I allowed myself, every time I think of what my husband experiences with PTSD  I could feel immense sorrow and heartache due to the immeasurable affliction my loved one experiences. 

Fear and anxiety are huge contributors when watching him  live with PTSD. Fear for his safety, fear of the unknown.  When he is having a horrible episode of flash backs, is he in his right mind?  Did you know that police officers are THREE TIMES more likely to die by their own hand then to dying in the line of duty?  Do I have to fear suicide?  "No, not my husband. He has faith in the Lord and would never consider suicide.”  But I have to take into account PTSD leaves someone mentally unstable at times (not all the time, just in case my readers are wondering, only in the darkest hours).  At Neal's ultimately worst moment, and only once, has he has told me, “Jess, if I didn’t think I’d go to hell I’d consider killing myself to be relieved of PTSD.”  How do I process that as wife who loves her husband and the mother of his child?  How do I take everyday events such as errands and outings into account?  Fear and anxiety of the future, will it bring healing or an even darker day for him?  Anxiety of what the next minute or hour, let alone week or month or year, will hold for his emotions (or mine)? Anxiety of the next scene on TV or in a movie.  Wondering if the next scene will trigger a traumatic memory for you.  Wondering what events of tomorrow will unfold that could cause pain for him?

When PTSD flairs it's ugly head and a really bad day is upon us I have a hard time balancing. How I should react to him in a loving and supportive way when everything inside of me is screaming that I’m overwhelmed, scared or frustrated and my heart is broken into pieces for him?  I HAVE to be strong for him and Emery.  He needs me to be positive, supportive and fearless, how do I hold it all together?   The only way to "hold it together" is by holding every thought (and emotion) captive as in 2 Corinthians and trusting in the Lord with all of my heart, mind and soul.

Then there is guilt.  Guilt that I can just drift off to sleep at night. Guilt that I have energy due to a peaceful/restful night’s sleep. Remorse that I can just function during the day.  I felt/feel so guilty when I fall asleep before he does because I’m not with him in his darkest hour, I’d be sleeping when he is experiencing haunting nightmares and flashbacks.  I’d be sleeping when I could be praying over him and pleading the blood of Jesus Christ because there is power in that!  Don’t get me wrong, there are many times I did wait until he was asleep but at times I just fell asleep due to exhaustion.  I wish I could be there for him every episode.  This is unrealistic though.  We have a precious little one, that needs at the very least 1 of the 2 of us to be alert and energetic.  

Anger is something I deal with as well.  My biggest issue of anger is at the agency.  How things were, or were not, handled.  Anger at the politics that over-rode respect for the emotional and mental aspects of the individual officers.  The academy teaches "family, family family" blah blah blah... I'm not suggesting I have an answer for this problem but how can it be about family and healthy relationships for that unit if they teach these men and very few women to turn into a robot?  How do they expect these men and women to be healthy mentally and emotionally year after year when their whole career is based on the negative aspects of our society?  

Then there is anger at PTSD.  PTSD steals so much from the sufferer but the family unit too.  In my opinion it is the enemy's tool, or a monster in every sense of the word to "kill, steal and destroy."    So many lives are taken due to PTSD.   Roughly 130 police officers die each year to be relieved of PTSD.   

I also deal with anger toward people who refuse to separate the person from the illness.  I just don't get it...someone who HAS cancer IS NOT cancer.  Why is  my husband a monster in some family members eyes?  They just want to hate, they don't want to understand so my husband is nothing more then a monster in their eyes.  That hurts SO much.  

While all of the above is on the down side, every morning I will have renewed hope in the Lord as our healer!  Our redeemer!  Joel 2:25, "And I will repay you for the years that the locusts have eaten."  

As I try to be a Proverbs 31 wife and mother I proclaim, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."