"Am I Enough?" (Sickness and Retirement Denial)

Romans 8:28 "We know that all things for together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." 

"Am I enough?"
That's what God whispered to me last week.

"Am I enough when...
Sickness is in play....
Your under attack from the enemy...
There is no monetary stability (AKA rich)...
When things are 'not fair'
Am I enough for you Jessica?"

"Yes Lord, you are, you will always be" was my response, I was then put to the test and I'm glad He did.  When we listen carefully, the Lord whispers to our hearts when things are coming.  He prepares us.

So the next week Neal gets what looks like a pimple on his thigh. The next day it's red, warm, raised and cellulitis sets in.  He goes to get it checked out and it is thought to be a Brown Recluse spider bite so he is put on very strong antibiotics and less then 24 hours later it starts to heal. The following week or so, sickness hits him, he says he feels "like my insides are being pulled out of me" and complains of his stomach.  After a few days, he goes to the urgent care and the doc says it's probably from the spider bite or the strong medication he was on due to the bite.  After a few more days Neal wasn't feeling better and went back to the doc with the verdict that he has an inflamed stomach and/or ulcer due the strong antibiotics.  He gets on medication and the Lords allows his insides to begin to heal.

It's either that week or the following week we get news that Neal's special disability retirement was denied for the second time.  UNBELIEVABLE!  I could go on and on about the pain this opens for the both of us but I'm giving to our Lord, I'm laying it down at his feet along with my bitterness.  Long story short, we have 4 out of 5 psychologists saying my husband's PTSD is due to being a state trooper.  The 1 psychologist that says it is not job-related is the one who is paid by the state retirement board, of course, he is going to say that!  He is paid off.  It would seem that the only report the report the retirement board looked at was this one doctor.

Well after a reaction of anger due to emotional wounds from the past 5 years living with PTSD it seemed like a case of injustice had been served to us.  I'm proud to say that within 24 hours of receiving this bad news that I gave it to the Lord (the old me would have stayed in that hurt for a long time).  Justice to us or the way for making up for lost time in our eyes might not be what the Lord has in store and I've got to come to peace with that.  My Father promised me a hope and future (Jer. 29:11) and a life to be lived to the full (John 10:10).  I am to not think in earthly terms as much as I do, the Lord is stretching me and it's an amazing journey that I will not give up on!  After speaking with some very dear people to me who are great in faith, I've come to realize maybe this is a case that the Lord is calling us out of the boat.  Maybe He is asking us to either be at peace with something that doesn't feel right (injustice, Justice is His anyway).  After all, He has everything in His hands.  Maybe this is our Goliath?  Is this a situation where God wants us to be David and fight our Goliath?  My God is faithful and is capable of ANYTHING.  So the question is, Lord what do YOU want?  Do we just put down our earthly desires in pursuing this retirement (something we feel Neal deserves) or do we move forward to fight in faith, to get out of the boat? Moving forward would mean needing money to fight and many many legal details.  We want Your Will Lord, not ours!

Back on track...."Am I enough?"  Yes Lord, you're still enough even after a rough couple of years.  You're enough in sickness (PTSD for  5 years, depression, emotional wounds). You're enough when our monetary goals (special disability retirement, foreclosing on a house, having to declare bankruptcy after what seems like bad timing of life )go down the drain.  You are the only one who has actually been enough!

One more thing.....just last week Neal looks at me and says "so..." as he shows me his thigh again.  He got bit and 2nd time by a poisonous spider, yup, a 2nd time!  You can imagine what went through my head....but God is always faithful!  That night I sent out a prayer request and within 24 hours the bite was pretty much gone with no adverse reactions!  GOD IS GOOD!

Since then He has prepared me for some more spiritual attacks but you know what?  I'm taking them thought by thought, second by second and because I put on the armor of God, I'm winning this battle.  I've already won these battles and future battles!

So here's to you Lord!


"Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, awesome in powerOur God, Our God…And if our God is for us who can be against us?" -Chris Tomlin Our God

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