Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me

I used to think I hated the first home we bought. It was in Maryland, expensive, falling apart and was nothing but a money pit from the day we bought it. We ended up losing the house to foreclosure. It's immature but I had so much resentment toward that house, not that there were zero positive memories there though. We had our first child there and that was her home for the first 18 months of her life. I didn't do this for every shift but I remember sitting in the third bedroom,where he kept his patrol gear and uniform, where I'd take in the last few moments I knew I could see, feel, hear, smell him next to me physically.  I'd watch him put on his black socks,then Under Armor if it was winter, next came the bulletproof vest. It's unnerving to know your husband has to wear a bulletproof vest to go to work everyday by the way.  Then came the shirt with the gold plated name tag that read 'Haines.' Shirt stays came next and then the pants. The black leather be

So it's been about five months after Neal so bravely admitted himself into the local psychiatric hospital for his PTSD.  As his wife, I couldn't be prouder of him for making this decision and I'm not in the least ashamed of him.  I've said this before and I'll always say it, he's more of a man for going to the hospital and seeking help than for a stubborn and prideful sufferer who doesn't seek out whatever treatment is necessary.  With that said, I do want to disclaim that I know all to well fear can be a huge part, and usually is, to receive the help you need.  This is an understatement in the LEO world.  In my husband's experience, once he 'let that cat out of the bag' that was the end of his career but if he wouldn't have let that cat out and received help, well, I'd hate to have found out what would have happened eventually.  If he would have said something sooner, he could have very well continued in the career he loved. So now tha

July 11, 2009 I remember this day. It's one of those days that will forever change your life.  On this day Neal was still a MD State Trooper. On this day I was blessed to be at a wedding, on the dance floor, in his arms because there were plenty of moments in his career that could have taken him from me. Standing there, dancing with him, I knew he was set apart. I knew that he was set apart to make a different for His Saviors kingdom, I just had no clue how that would play out. I was keeping a secret of his that I knew would one day, soon enough, blow up or 'hit the fan' as some say. I knew my husband was tormented when he closed his eyes at night. I knew he was haunted in his sleep. I knew he drank to deal with these scenes that he experienced on the job. Standing there in his arms I felt strength that only the Holy Spirit can give. I knew God was carrying us but I also knew I had to be strong for the both of us and what was to come. I had no clue when his secre

Today, May 20th, 2015, my husband did one of the most courageous things he has ever done. It didn't have anything with being a hero, a Trooper.  He was transparent, admitted he was at rock bottom, admitted he was scared. He did something most men I think would never do due to pride. He willingly got professional help for his law-enforcement induced PTSD. What led him there? A disorder that comes from the enemy himself. It began with evil spirits that are evident at the scenes of a suicide as a Maryland State Trooper.  It started when he walked in on a teenager that had used a shotgun to end his life a few seconds before he arrived to help. It began when he turned his back for a split second to the perpetrator in a domestic violence situation to make sure he was protecting his wife, the victim. In that split second the perpetrator attacked him from behind and started a choke hold and my husband started to black out. It started with someone pointing a gun at him, pointing a knife i

In reaction to the Baltimore riots in 2015 Dear America, My husband served YOU. He knew that his passion to serve YOU could cost his life and there are numerous times it was a 'close call'. Do you get that? The love of my life almost didn't come home, his daughter came close to not having her Daddy. Even though it was a real possibilty his life could have been the sacrifice that is sometimes required, he geared up everyday with pride to protect YOU. It was in his blood and aside from our daughter and myself, it was what made his heart beat. Yes, I'm speaking to YOU because at any time, that call to serve and protect YOU could come by his way and he wouldn't hesitate to come to your aide. Despite what certain racist groups proclaim, when he was called to YOUR side he didn't drive there thinking, 'Oh, I wonder if this person in need is of another race or color as I am?' No. He would go as quickly as he could, not knowing what kind of situa

It's that jump, that moan.  I know what it means.  I know what's coming. It means while you're next to me physically but you're not really with me, you're trapped in the past.  When I hear that groan,  I know you are re-living, re-experiencing a horrific and terrifying real-life event that no human should have to experience.  Your brain continually plays that slideshow and you can not do a darn thing to stop it.  No wonder going to sleep is something you hate.  Thing is though, even when you're awake your brain still plays it continually, maybe just not as much as when you're asleep. That moan means my heart is breaking. I hate what you had to live through and that you can not be free from it.  If there is anyone who can fight this, survive this, it's you.  It's you and me together. You see, at this moment in time there is something good that comes from this. Out of all the earthly comforts this world has to offer, you choose for me to be your

I've got to hide my emotions that heart doesn't ache when I look into your eyes and do not see Neal.  I'll put on that positive, encouraging, strong face when you're around because I want to be those things for you but when you're not around, I've got to process. Process what the Holy Spirit is telling me about your heart and mind. Process what you need, don't need. Process what it is that you need me to do for you ie phone calls to insurance, research on a new form of therapy, allow you time for your hobby or just a hug.  I have to just to sit here at the computer and write out everything I need to process, it's my form of therapy.  Writing it all out gives me a small hope that someone out there totally gets what's going on and then it all won't isolate us so much any more due to that one or two people who truly know what's going on. When I hear your car pull in the driveway, it's time for me to hurry and gather myself up, be strong

There I was sitting on that high pedal stool for so many years. To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden. I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it.  I was placed up high on that pedal stool.  It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper. To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great.  So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool. There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their

It has the ability to and often does, destroy life. It takes away dreams. It slowly and painfully takes away the passions and desires of the survivor to the point that they do not know who is in the mirror, neither do they like that person. Slowly and painfully, the spouse watches along the sidelines as the person they fell in love with disappears. You know they're still there deep down and you hope they will heal and come back to you one day. You've come to realize though, while they will never be the same due to IT, once they heal and move forward this experience and lessons learned combined with finding and being themselves again is an even better option. Trials either make us or break us. We decide IT'S going to make us better. This has made you love them more. It's made you honor they're courage and strength to live another day and fight so hard for their freedom, for a 'normal' life. It's also made them love you more because they finally underst

Today I'm not strong. Today I'm not a rock. Today I'm empty, a dry well.   Today I'm worn, crushed under this weight.   Lord, I need your peace. I need the rest only you can provide.   This is today but I know tomorrow is an all new hope set in You.  Thank you for that hope. Why don't I feel Your supernatural strength?  Is it because you're withholding, not to be mean, but to teach me something? To make me truly rely on you? I thought I've passed that lesson.  What am I missing here Lord?  Or do I not feel you because of an unknown sin? Maybe it's a sin I know of such as fear, apathy or anxiety that has created a barrier.  I've been begging you for months to help me with these sins.  Is it because I'm selfish? I'm tired of pouring out. Please reveal to me clearly as you always have as to what's going on in the spiritual realm of my heart.   Normally I can confidently continue supporting this weight of being his rock, their rock w