Sweet Tea, Advocacy and Me

It's that jump, that moan.  I know what it means.  I know what's coming. It means while you're next to me physically but you're not really with me, you're trapped in the past.  When I hear that groan,  I know you are re-living, re-experiencing a horrific and terrifying real-life event that no human should have to experience.  Your brain continually plays that slideshow and you can not do a darn thing to stop it.  No wonder going to sleep is something you hate.  Thing is though, even when you're awake your brain still plays it continually, maybe just not as much as when you're asleep. That moan means my heart is breaking. I hate what you had to live through and that you can not be free from it.  If there is anyone who can fight this, survive this, it's you.  It's you and me together. You see, at this moment in time there is something good that comes from this. Out of all the earthly comforts this world has to offer, you choose for me to ...

I've got to hide my emotions that heart doesn't ache when I look into your eyes and do not see Neal.  I'll put on that positive, encouraging, strong face when you're around because I want to be those things for you but when you're not around, I've got to process. Process what the Holy Spirit is telling me about your heart and mind. Process what you need, don't need. Process what it is that you need me to do for you ie phone calls to insurance, research on a new form of therapy, allow you time for your hobby or just a hug.  I have to just to sit here at the computer and write out everything I need to process, it's my form of therapy.  Writing it all out gives me a small hope that someone out there totally gets what's going on and then it all won't isolate us so much any more due to that one or two people who truly know what's going on. When I hear your car pull in the driveway, it's time for me to hurry and gather myself up, be strong ...

There I was sitting on that high pedal stool for so many years. To know you're the one someone is continuing to live for or that you're pretty much their only source of happiness or that you were their 'only sunshine', that's more then an honor but it's also a heavy burden. I was the center of some people's world, one of which fought cancer numerous times, not specifically just for me, but I was a huge part of it.  I was placed up high on that pedal stool.  It sounds like a wonderful place to be and I guess at the surface it is then you dig deeper. To know you're loved to that extent is a blessing but to know you have so much power or influence isn't so great.  So when things go south in a relationship, when I don't act the way I am expected to act or the outcome wasn't as that person desired, their world was shattered because I feel off that pedal stool. There isn't a sense of guilt though because I know it was their doing, their...

It has the ability to and often does, destroy life. It takes away dreams. It slowly and painfully takes away the passions and desires of the survivor to the point that they do not know who is in the mirror, neither do they like that person. Slowly and painfully, the spouse watches along the sidelines as the person they fell in love with disappears. You know they're still there deep down and you hope they will heal and come back to you one day. You've come to realize though, while they will never be the same due to IT, once they heal and move forward this experience and lessons learned combined with finding and being themselves again is an even better option. Trials either make us or break us. We decide IT'S going to make us better. This has made you love them more. It's made you honor they're courage and strength to live another day and fight so hard for their freedom, for a 'normal' life. It's also made them love you more because they finally underst...

Today I'm not strong. Today I'm not a rock. Today I'm empty, a dry well.   Today I'm worn, crushed under this weight.   Lord, I need your peace. I need the rest only you can provide.   This is today but I know tomorrow is an all new hope set in You.  Thank you for that hope. Why don't I feel Your supernatural strength?  Is it because you're withholding, not to be mean, but to teach me something? To make me truly rely on you? I thought I've passed that lesson.  What am I missing here Lord?  Or do I not feel you because of an unknown sin? Maybe it's a sin I know of such as fear, apathy or anxiety that has created a barrier.  I've been begging you for months to help me with these sins.  Is it because I'm selfish? I'm tired of pouring out. Please reveal to me clearly as you always have as to what's going on in the spiritual realm of my heart.   Normally I can confidently continue supporting this weight of being his rock, their rock ...

A new year.  I've always been torn as the new year approaches as to be excited to let the current year pass or to be anxious about what lies ahead in the next. Before we moved to TN I couldn't wait to say good riddance to the year and start the next.  The New Years we've spent in TN have almost been bittersweet to leave behind because the years have been full of blessings. 2014 has been a blessing because Avalynn Joy was born and she is just that, a true gift of joy, that completes my heart despite the life shocking news of her existence ;-) We finally moved into, Lord willing, the house we love and will raise our children in. After much disruption in my personal living situations for the past ten years, this change was my heart's desire.  As much as it's been amazing, it's been a difficult year as well.  The calling of being obedient to God in situations (two situations that affect everyday life, so nothing minuscule) have honestly weighed heavily on my hea...

IGBOK. IGBOK stands for 'it's gonna be okay.' Basically, it's ALL of the anti-anxiety, anti-depressant and calming essential oils put together.  I'm waiting to calm overcome me.....waiting....still waiting....*sigh* So, I'll wrap myself up in my robe and imagine it's God's warm and cozy arms of peace and serenity wrapping around me.  Now Lord, let's chat..... Where do I begin Lord?  I guess I'll start with thankfulness in hopes it'll help me zoom out to view the big picture here.  You are so merciful and patient with me. You've proven to be The Provider of all good things and yes, Your timing is perfect, not mine. You've given me so many blessings, so many I do not deserve in the least.  You have sought me out. I'm bought by Your blood and have Your Spirit dwelling in my heart.  The life I'm living is part of my eternal.  The man I vowed my life to, that loves unconditionally and more every day and is an amazing provider and...