They're Out to Get Me
IGBOK. IGBOK stands for 'it's gonna be okay.' Basically, it's ALL of the anti-anxiety, anti-depressant and calming essential oils put together. I'm waiting to calm overcome me.....waiting....still waiting....*sigh* So, I'll wrap myself up in my robe and imagine it's God's warm and cozy arms of peace and serenity wrapping around me. Now Lord, let's chat.....
Where do I begin Lord? I guess I'll start with thankfulness in hopes it'll help me zoom out to view the big picture here. You are so merciful and patient with me. You've proven to be The Provider of all good things and yes, Your timing is perfect, not mine. You've given me so many blessings, so many I do not deserve in the least. You have sought me out. I'm bought by Your blood and have Your Spirit dwelling in my heart. The life I'm living is part of my eternal. The man I vowed my life to, that loves unconditionally and more every day and is an amazing provider and the definition of a hero. There is truly no one else I'd rather be living this life with.
Then there is the blessing of children, the reason for this post. Lord, I'm speechless at how thankful I am for 3 healthy children, 2 girls and a boy; to think Neal and I were told 12 years ago that I probably couldn't have kids. You got our back Lord :)
Speaking of having my back.....Lord, I feel like those 3 precious little ones are out to get me committed, to make me go postal, however people phrase it. What I mean is, I've determined they're out to make me crazy! My sweet boy, so agreeable, so loving, so full of life is screaming....all the time pretty much because he's becoming independent and has realized a little something called temper tantrums. I swear aliens abducted him a few days ago and replaced him with a molar-cutting, snotty little monster! A parent certainly has compassion on their children when they're in pain or not feeling well. I'll be the one to say it out-loud though, that compassion does have a limit.
My oldest, a 7 year old girl. She is so smart and can have such insight and compassion beyond her age. She's also hard-headed, has a selective memory, a slob. The trait that gets me the most is the hard-headed one Lord. Why'd you make her so? Is it payback for how hard-headed her parents are? Haha There seems to be no punishment that effects her. Oh and the past few months she's become disagreeable and acquired the ability to argue like I would have never imagined. Ugh! (and no, it's not just a mother-daughter head-butting thing. My m.i.l. has seen all of these traits as well and let me tell you....Emery is Grandma's princess so if she can admit her faults, they're valid *chuckle*)
Avalynn Joy. She's my youngest, 5 weeks old. The one I would have bet that would be my easiest. After all, it's seems 95% of the time the 3rd baby has no choice but to be laid back, easy. Avalynn means 'beautiful breath of life.' Since day one she's heard, 'She is soooo pretty' (she really is a pretty baby, not cute but beautiful) and 'look at that head full of beautiful hair!' Side note-this child came out with jet black hair and golden highlights! What baby is born with highlights?! So she certainly lives up to the 'beautiful' part of her name and let me inform you, she also lives up to the 'breath of life' part. She has a set of lungs on her, unlike any of my other babies and they were all screamers! I mean people would be like, 'Oh, here comes Jess with that cranky baby. Run now if you want any kind of silence.' As soon as she was taken out of the womb she screamed. Loud. Very loud. Continually, for at least 10-15 minutes. Not gonna lie, one of the first thoughts in my head was 'oh great.' The flip-side, I was thankful for a healthy newborn who clearly had no trouble breathing! She will let you know when something isn't all peachy keen. She has 2 volumes, quiet and then boisterous.
So Lord, it's the:
'Mommy the baby is screaming again' (as if I really didn't notice) 'Jude, stop!' 'Mommy can I have...' and the rebuttals ALL THE TIME. It's the toddler who just discovered how to bite. This snotty nosed little boy who poops ALL THE TIME and throws himself on the ground at every whim. The precious one who has turned into a molar-cutting monster, that makes our day filled with screaming. Then there is the beautiful newborn, who cries because her brother is crying (or is it the other way around?). Either way, they both cry at the same time, no joke (why would I joke about that? Do you know how annoying it is?!). This child is sooo incredibly gassy. I mean seriously, she sounds like a man grunting and ripping em' all night long. Her ability to projectile vomit is joyous as well. I believe she has already figured out how to manipulate Mama into holding her. Boisterous cry=Mama doesn't want to hear (or to wake up brother) so she'll pick me up. She's also my last baby so it's hard to not spoil her :/ I know, I know I'm creating a vicious cycle.
Will I ever be able to truly rest Lord, when will hyperviligance not be part of my every day? It seems like they will always be this young and needy *insert comment about 'how the years fly by*. I guess I should focus more on how I should enjoy these days they do need me because one day they'll tell me they don't. Lord, it's so hard to not look forward to nap and bedtime so much. I don't want to wish it all away. I want to give each one my all and it feels like they're being cheated out of the Mama they all deserve. Lord I'm so tired. I guess this is where Your Holy Spirit comes in and my need to rely on You EVERY MINUTE right now, now why can't I actually do that? Each day feels overwhelming. As all mothers do (even though it's sinful I believe), we compare our motherly abilities to 'that Mom' who has perfect hair, unlimited energy, has time for friends and can do anything and everything she so desires with all of her children because she's gotta be Superwoman.
Lord, I'm thankful, I really am but please refresh me. Please pour into me, overflowing, so I can pour into my family and even into my church the way I so desire. Help me see 'the big picture', help me with perspective. Help me turn over to you those negative, anxious and obsessive intruding thoughts. Help me to not get angry at being so tired. Give me the strength (physical and mental) to be all my family deserves, joyfully and 100%. Father, I'm so thankful for your mercy and patience with me and all of my faults. I'm so thankful for Your Spirit that will empower and guide me every step of the way if I just seek You and surrender.
It's in these desperate exhausted moments (heck, years) that are beautiful because I reach the limit in my ability that makes me realize how I need You Lord.
Where do I begin Lord? I guess I'll start with thankfulness in hopes it'll help me zoom out to view the big picture here. You are so merciful and patient with me. You've proven to be The Provider of all good things and yes, Your timing is perfect, not mine. You've given me so many blessings, so many I do not deserve in the least. You have sought me out. I'm bought by Your blood and have Your Spirit dwelling in my heart. The life I'm living is part of my eternal. The man I vowed my life to, that loves unconditionally and more every day and is an amazing provider and the definition of a hero. There is truly no one else I'd rather be living this life with.
Then there is the blessing of children, the reason for this post. Lord, I'm speechless at how thankful I am for 3 healthy children, 2 girls and a boy; to think Neal and I were told 12 years ago that I probably couldn't have kids. You got our back Lord :)
Speaking of having my back.....Lord, I feel like those 3 precious little ones are out to get me committed, to make me go postal, however people phrase it. What I mean is, I've determined they're out to make me crazy! My sweet boy, so agreeable, so loving, so full of life is screaming....all the time pretty much because he's becoming independent and has realized a little something called temper tantrums. I swear aliens abducted him a few days ago and replaced him with a molar-cutting, snotty little monster! A parent certainly has compassion on their children when they're in pain or not feeling well. I'll be the one to say it out-loud though, that compassion does have a limit.
My oldest, a 7 year old girl. She is so smart and can have such insight and compassion beyond her age. She's also hard-headed, has a selective memory, a slob. The trait that gets me the most is the hard-headed one Lord. Why'd you make her so? Is it payback for how hard-headed her parents are? Haha There seems to be no punishment that effects her. Oh and the past few months she's become disagreeable and acquired the ability to argue like I would have never imagined. Ugh! (and no, it's not just a mother-daughter head-butting thing. My m.i.l. has seen all of these traits as well and let me tell you....Emery is Grandma's princess so if she can admit her faults, they're valid *chuckle*)
Avalynn Joy. She's my youngest, 5 weeks old. The one I would have bet that would be my easiest. After all, it's seems 95% of the time the 3rd baby has no choice but to be laid back, easy. Avalynn means 'beautiful breath of life.' Since day one she's heard, 'She is soooo pretty' (she really is a pretty baby, not cute but beautiful) and 'look at that head full of beautiful hair!' Side note-this child came out with jet black hair and golden highlights! What baby is born with highlights?! So she certainly lives up to the 'beautiful' part of her name and let me inform you, she also lives up to the 'breath of life' part. She has a set of lungs on her, unlike any of my other babies and they were all screamers! I mean people would be like, 'Oh, here comes Jess with that cranky baby. Run now if you want any kind of silence.' As soon as she was taken out of the womb she screamed. Loud. Very loud. Continually, for at least 10-15 minutes. Not gonna lie, one of the first thoughts in my head was 'oh great.' The flip-side, I was thankful for a healthy newborn who clearly had no trouble breathing! She will let you know when something isn't all peachy keen. She has 2 volumes, quiet and then boisterous.
So Lord, it's the:
'Mommy the baby is screaming again' (as if I really didn't notice) 'Jude, stop!' 'Mommy can I have...' and the rebuttals ALL THE TIME. It's the toddler who just discovered how to bite. This snotty nosed little boy who poops ALL THE TIME and throws himself on the ground at every whim. The precious one who has turned into a molar-cutting monster, that makes our day filled with screaming. Then there is the beautiful newborn, who cries because her brother is crying (or is it the other way around?). Either way, they both cry at the same time, no joke (why would I joke about that? Do you know how annoying it is?!). This child is sooo incredibly gassy. I mean seriously, she sounds like a man grunting and ripping em' all night long. Her ability to projectile vomit is joyous as well. I believe she has already figured out how to manipulate Mama into holding her. Boisterous cry=Mama doesn't want to hear (or to wake up brother) so she'll pick me up. She's also my last baby so it's hard to not spoil her :/ I know, I know I'm creating a vicious cycle.
Will I ever be able to truly rest Lord, when will hyperviligance not be part of my every day? It seems like they will always be this young and needy *insert comment about 'how the years fly by*. I guess I should focus more on how I should enjoy these days they do need me because one day they'll tell me they don't. Lord, it's so hard to not look forward to nap and bedtime so much. I don't want to wish it all away. I want to give each one my all and it feels like they're being cheated out of the Mama they all deserve. Lord I'm so tired. I guess this is where Your Holy Spirit comes in and my need to rely on You EVERY MINUTE right now, now why can't I actually do that? Each day feels overwhelming. As all mothers do (even though it's sinful I believe), we compare our motherly abilities to 'that Mom' who has perfect hair, unlimited energy, has time for friends and can do anything and everything she so desires with all of her children because she's gotta be Superwoman.
Lord, I'm thankful, I really am but please refresh me. Please pour into me, overflowing, so I can pour into my family and even into my church the way I so desire. Help me see 'the big picture', help me with perspective. Help me turn over to you those negative, anxious and obsessive intruding thoughts. Help me to not get angry at being so tired. Give me the strength (physical and mental) to be all my family deserves, joyfully and 100%. Father, I'm so thankful for your mercy and patience with me and all of my faults. I'm so thankful for Your Spirit that will empower and guide me every step of the way if I just seek You and surrender.
It's in these desperate exhausted moments (heck, years) that are beautiful because I reach the limit in my ability that makes me realize how I need You Lord.
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