I admit
I admit that I've been easily distracted the past two weeks. Have you ever been in the a test that you never realized you were in until it just exploded in your face? And at that point you're like, "Oh my gosh! I'm such an idiot, how could I have not seen this?" I think that I've slipped on living in and by the Spirit the past two weeks. Instead of beating myself up over my sin, making myself pay subconsciously and trying to 'make it up' to God, I'm being wrapped up in His grace.
I have recognized the importance of reflecting on my emotions instead of just shoving them down deep inside or all together ignoring them. So what is it that has had me so distracted? A house. A place to call home. Here is the part I sound totally ungrateful and like a child ;)
It's been nine or ten years that I've been on my own, as an adult and boy has it been a roller coaster but I wouldn't trade it for anything because the Lord has been faithful and by my side, teaching me, molding me, purifying me. Okay, here is the child-like fit.....at nineteen I was kicked out of my home, I then moved in with my aunt and uncle, next was my own basement apartment and once Neal and I were married he joined me here. That flooded one day, so we made a rash decision to buy a home and now I see the Holy Spirit was telling me "No! Don't buy that house!" He was trying to save us, He is good like that :) We lived there for a few years while enduring repair after repair after repair, it was the house from you know where. Have you ever seen the movie "Money Pit" with Tom Hanks, yes, that was our house. It even caught on fire *it would have been easier if it burnt to the ground but then again that would have kept us in MD and not led us to TN so.....* One of my favorite sayings is, 'live and learn.' After the market turned and other factors occurred we moved into my in-law's basement for almost two years and foreclosed on our home. Next came TN :) Our own apartment, pretty nice apartment too. It's at this time that I can't imagine where we are going to put a baby, all the baby 'stuff' and I'm starting to feel my heart really starting to ache. This ache is where the distraction comes in.
My heart as a woman, wife and mother wants a place to call home. A place to stay, put down roots, make memories. A home that is open for friends, fellowship and youth to enjoy. A home that is open for the Lord to see fit, a backyard for my children to play in and even a room for schooling at home. It's not like wanting these things are wrong, they are just wrong when they distract us from the Lord. It really seemed God was opening the door for that home. The Lord is good and is more concerned with my everlasting life and the work He has set for me here on earth then my temporal life here on earth but that doesn't mean my flesh doesn't respond with frustration and hurt.
That dream home isn't a reality right now and the Lord is using the situation to mold me, yet again :) He used His Word in Jonah 4 to enlighten me. Jonah was having a hissy fit so he stomped off. During this time, the Lord provided a plant to grow over him and protect him from the heat of the day and quickly the Lord allowed the plant to die. Jonah then got angry that the plant had been taken away and stopped providing comfort. The Lord's response, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?...You cared about the plant, which you did not labor over and did not grow. It appeared in a night and perished in a night. Should I not care about the great city of Nineveh, which has more than 120,000 people..."
I have prayed with an angry tone, "Lord, is it wrong I want a home? I just want to settle down." He has gently reminded me, no, it's not wrong dear child. I've just made you for greater things then a roof over your head to worship. It's at that moment, I realized my sin. My sin was I put a home, a temporary place of shelter that could burn down in a second or be taken from us, an idol. I'm human, I'm flesh. My heart desires these physical material pleasures and He isn't mad at me for desiring these things but His heart is broken when I desire these things more than Him and to do His work. Instead, He has us in an amazing place and time at Central Christian Church to serve and help rebuild and here I am distracted by a box. I have forgot to give thanks for all He has provided over these long, roller coaster-like years. I forgot that He has revealed Himself to me and my family is mighty ways. I forgot that I do have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach (even when bills are tight), etc I have all I need. Over the last two weeks I've come to realize just how easy it is for us be so distracted and to play the comparing game when we live in Williamson County. It's easy to get used to this 'bubble' we live in but for us, it can be harmful. It is just another way God is reminding us that 'our citizenship is in heaven...' Phil. 3:20
It's rather embarrassed at how easily distracted I've been but oh well....it's out there on the internet now and I'm fine with that! Gone are my days of pretending and putting on a mask, if something is bothering me I'll say so. I'll put my child-like fits in a blog and reveal how God is working through it in hopes it will encourage my daughter and anyone else He sees fit. It's hard to die to our flesh,
I have recognized the importance of reflecting on my emotions instead of just shoving them down deep inside or all together ignoring them. So what is it that has had me so distracted? A house. A place to call home. Here is the part I sound totally ungrateful and like a child ;)
It's been nine or ten years that I've been on my own, as an adult and boy has it been a roller coaster but I wouldn't trade it for anything because the Lord has been faithful and by my side, teaching me, molding me, purifying me. Okay, here is the child-like fit.....at nineteen I was kicked out of my home, I then moved in with my aunt and uncle, next was my own basement apartment and once Neal and I were married he joined me here. That flooded one day, so we made a rash decision to buy a home and now I see the Holy Spirit was telling me "No! Don't buy that house!" He was trying to save us, He is good like that :) We lived there for a few years while enduring repair after repair after repair, it was the house from you know where. Have you ever seen the movie "Money Pit" with Tom Hanks, yes, that was our house. It even caught on fire *it would have been easier if it burnt to the ground but then again that would have kept us in MD and not led us to TN so.....* One of my favorite sayings is, 'live and learn.' After the market turned and other factors occurred we moved into my in-law's basement for almost two years and foreclosed on our home. Next came TN :) Our own apartment, pretty nice apartment too. It's at this time that I can't imagine where we are going to put a baby, all the baby 'stuff' and I'm starting to feel my heart really starting to ache. This ache is where the distraction comes in.
My heart as a woman, wife and mother wants a place to call home. A place to stay, put down roots, make memories. A home that is open for friends, fellowship and youth to enjoy. A home that is open for the Lord to see fit, a backyard for my children to play in and even a room for schooling at home. It's not like wanting these things are wrong, they are just wrong when they distract us from the Lord. It really seemed God was opening the door for that home. The Lord is good and is more concerned with my everlasting life and the work He has set for me here on earth then my temporal life here on earth but that doesn't mean my flesh doesn't respond with frustration and hurt.
That dream home isn't a reality right now and the Lord is using the situation to mold me, yet again :) He used His Word in Jonah 4 to enlighten me. Jonah was having a hissy fit so he stomped off. During this time, the Lord provided a plant to grow over him and protect him from the heat of the day and quickly the Lord allowed the plant to die. Jonah then got angry that the plant had been taken away and stopped providing comfort. The Lord's response, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?...You cared about the plant, which you did not labor over and did not grow. It appeared in a night and perished in a night. Should I not care about the great city of Nineveh, which has more than 120,000 people..."
I have prayed with an angry tone, "Lord, is it wrong I want a home? I just want to settle down." He has gently reminded me, no, it's not wrong dear child. I've just made you for greater things then a roof over your head to worship. It's at that moment, I realized my sin. My sin was I put a home, a temporary place of shelter that could burn down in a second or be taken from us, an idol. I'm human, I'm flesh. My heart desires these physical material pleasures and He isn't mad at me for desiring these things but His heart is broken when I desire these things more than Him and to do His work. Instead, He has us in an amazing place and time at Central Christian Church to serve and help rebuild and here I am distracted by a box. I have forgot to give thanks for all He has provided over these long, roller coaster-like years. I forgot that He has revealed Himself to me and my family is mighty ways. I forgot that I do have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach (even when bills are tight), etc I have all I need. Over the last two weeks I've come to realize just how easy it is for us be so distracted and to play the comparing game when we live in Williamson County. It's easy to get used to this 'bubble' we live in but for us, it can be harmful. It is just another way God is reminding us that 'our citizenship is in heaven...' Phil. 3:20
It's rather embarrassed at how easily distracted I've been but oh well....it's out there on the internet now and I'm fine with that! Gone are my days of pretending and putting on a mask, if something is bothering me I'll say so. I'll put my child-like fits in a blog and reveal how God is working through it in hopes it will encourage my daughter and anyone else He sees fit. It's hard to die to our flesh,
Understandable. It happens. I work in an environment where emotions are intentionally suppressed because of what we see and what we do. There's a saying, "leave your emotions at the door." Which is true. We have to leave them there. Its a horrible habit but I do it all the time. I totally know where you're coming from, I've fallen on my face so many times, walked through fire and have the scars to prove it. I wouldn't trade any of the times I've been broken or wounded for anything. Because it has made me who I am today. I am not the same kid I was 3 years ago. I constantly fall on my face trying to find out what His planned and blessed path is for me.
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