Our Little Angel in Heaven

It was time to move forward in our family. It was time to give Emery Grace a sibling, after all, she has been begging for months.

Finally we are pregnant.  We find out the week before Christmas.  There is a lot of death happening around us. A lot of police officers were killed in December and a dear friend went to be with Jesus due to battling with cancer for years.  With all that death I had a feeling God was preparing me for something but I didn't want to really think about it.

Then I was cooking and I clearly heard Him whisper to me, "Jessica, are you going to trust me with this baby?" My reply was, "Yes Lord. I will.  It will be hard but I will. Instead of being anxious like I was while being pregnant with Emery I will trust you.  I trusted you to make this new life in Your perfect timing and so why would I trust in myself after all you've brought us through?  Yes Lord, I will trust you."

So over the next few days I was really doing great in putting my heart in His hands.  He kept asking me if I would trust Him and kept saying yes.  Then I could sense that this was possibly a new kind of trial we have not experienced yet in life.  James 1:2 states:

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..."

I was facing reality, knowing what would happen, that this child would be in heaven sooner then thought.  I was trying to prepare Neal but I think he just thought I was being negative. To be 100% honest, that is my first reaction to life but I really had a peace about the situation. God was still worth trusting, still worth giving praise to even though the future was still unclear. 
My instinct was to go to the OB/GYN earlier then scheduled for a sonogram. That way if what I thought was happening was in deed happening then we wouldn't share the cheer of our expectant surprise with everyone for the Christmas season. Tuesday Dec. 20th, 2011 we had the sonogram and there was nothing to view. It was one of two things.  I had my dates off (which I knew I didn't) or it was a chemical pregnancy. That is when you do indeed conceive a child but the growth stops at some point.  Dr. Thomas prayed with us before we left and I had walked out feeling at peace with my God though a little sad.  I could totally see the Lord preparing me for this in the past week.  

So December 21st, 2011 our child was released from my womb on this earth to Jesus' arms in heaven. We'd of course like this to change but honestly......what better place for he or she?  God just wanted this one earlier then our plans expected and I'm at peace with that. Why? How can I be at peace you ask?

God knew this would happen and He was gracious enough to prepare me.  It seemed like the perfect situation. Our new home in TN, the chance to start over in a sense in 2011 and a baby on the way to end the perfect year.  Some would say this is cruel. I don't believe so. I honestly believe, what better place for my child to be. He/she is waiting in heaven for us when we join him/her one day.  Tracy, a pastor from our church, and his wife experienced a miscarriage their selves. So when they found out about our circumstance his response was, "Well, our kids are playing in heaven together bud."  Peace just soaked me all over again when I heard this because I just knew it was true.  

God is still good when we our lives don't turn out the way we expected them to. God is still good, even when we trust Him and our prayers are not answered. God's will is to be and make disciples of Him and to bring Him glory on this side of heaven.  I considered this a moment to "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." This is just another trial that we will survive, learn God's plan, learn to trust Him this much more, learn of his grace, mercy and love this much more and therefore be used for His glory in His perfect timing.  My faith has matured.  When things don't turn out as wanted or expected I don't withhold the glory He is due. I give it even when I'm confused or even a little sad.  


Psalm 1:1-3
1 Blessed is the one
   who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
   or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
   whatever they do prospers.

I am blessed and will bring Him glory.

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