Beginning of Discovery

Without a doubt with all of the circumstances that have occurred in the past year and a half it has done two things

1)  Overwhelm me, scare me, make me anxious and make me feel like I don’t know up from down.

and…

2)  Make me dependent on God.  You know when you’re so low you know you can’t depend on anyone but your Father in Heaven, that you can only look up?  When you know you can trust no one but God?  When you just cry out and know He loves you more then anyone else loves you and you know that love will never cease therefore it makes you just keep going?  My God has been so faithful to me that the best I can do in return is be faithful to Him.  To keep loving Him, needing Him, looking to Him and follow where He leads.  

I wish I could say the way I felt in #2 above was how I felt a majority of the time but that would be lying or trying to make myself out for who I desire to be.  Sure I felt the feelings in #2 MANY times but to be 100% honest, #1 is how I felt most of the time (I’m ashamed to say).  BUT this blog is about self-discovery, what I have been learning of myself the past 2 months or so.  Here we go...

1)  I’ve realized I’ve spent MOST of my 26 years pleasing others and doing what others want/expect Jessica to do.  Jessica the “good girl” the “easy child” the “teenager/young woman with her head on straight” as people would say.  Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying I hate the fact I’ve been a “goodie pants” (or whatever you want to call it LOL) I’m saying I have always been the peace-maker.  I feel I've been driven by guilt, fear of how other people would feel if this happened or if that happened or if I actually stood up and took a side or spoke how I really feel.  I feel I've just given up myself EVERY TIME and there is no Jessica left inside me.  It’s to the point that I’m not sure I could speak my mind/heart 100% to someone without sugar-coating something in fear of hurting their feelings or "rocking the boat".  Because of this, you can imagine I just contain my thoughts/feelings or try to deny how I feel altogether.  I want so much to make my Jesus proud of me that I always act the way He would want me to (which I know isn't’ exactly a bad thing).  But I'm learning that it doesn't matter how I act, God loves me if I'm a Saint or a Sinner. 

I know this life is not my own but as Neal pointed out to me last night when speaking of this with him he said, “Jess, Jesus had feelings too.  Jess, Jesus got mad, He got so stressed and anxious that he sweat blood.  It’s okay to have negative emotions, its how you deal with them that counts.”  He is right.  So I’ve started a new “therapy” for myself.  I’m trying to actually say what’s on my mind and how I feel (when I’m angry I’ll say it when someone says something that offends me or that I don’t agree with I’m actually going to respectfully state my feelings/opinions).  The key is respectfully.

2)  The second thing I have learned is I feel overwhelmed. I feel constantly under pressure.  I’m just a pressure-cooker ready to blow at any minute.  And because I feel Christ wouldn’t want me to feel that way I just suck it up and “deal with it.”  This means I never do anything for myself or what I want to do.  I feel there are so many people and their emotions I have to consider and deal with that it’s overwhelming.  I have to do work I’m failing at (and I HATE and FEAR failure), I have to be 100% cheery for my husband because he can’t handle my attitude or bad mood on top of his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  When the three-year-old is screaming I have to just deal with it, I  can’t take a break.  And because I try so hard to just act the way I should and suck it up, that I want to be 100% faithful/cheery/happy-go-lucky all the time when in fact it turns around and backfires because I can’t do all of that.  I want to be a strong, faithful, wise, encouraging, etc woman but you know what? I can’t be Super Mom, Wife, Realtor, Sister, Granddaughter, Niece, etc…..I want so hard to be but I can’t. That's just unrealistic.  

3)  I’m finally admitting that living with, loving and taking care of a husband with PTSD is HARD.  At times it’s just overwhelming.  But why am I still here?  Because I love him because he deserves someone who is patient and loving and stays “through good times and in bad.”   Someone to love him no matter what (even when he “pulls the crazy card” as he describes), someone to have patience with him, someone to be encouraging and to believe in him and believe for him when he can’t.  I admittingly say that I have not always stood behind my husband the way I should have but I do now.  It’s God, Neal, Emery and myself, no one else.  

I just want God’s will, I want our lives to bring glory to God and love to people, to do amazing things for Christ.  My family will never see or understand that.  They would rather dislike Neal, treat him the way they treat my mother (the other “in-law” not good enough), say he has ruined my life, made my life difficult, etc   They said he is “taking advantage of the system” with his request for retirement due to PTSD and that “he needs to get over it and not use it as an excuse” DON’T EVEN GO THERE.  You can beat me up all you want (because I’m stupid enough to take it and allow it) but NEVER EVER EVER treat my husband like that.  You have NO idea of what he goes through every day, every hour (heck, I know probably 10% of it) and seeing that 10% breaks my heart.  You don’t even want to understand, you just want to blame.  Well don’t make me choose between you and my family, you’re not going to like the outcome.  It breaks my heart to say you just don’t see from our point of view and beliefs (I have prayed my whole life you would know the love of Christ) but you just don’t want to.  To say God is cruel, I feel so sorry and sad for you.  So because we don’t have the same beliefs I don’t think you can relinquish the control to respectfully agree to disagree.  I’m with my husband 100%, I’m with him because I love him and because I made a commitment 6 years ago that said, “for better or for worse."  It’s easy to stay when it’s “for better” but when you stay, love and support someone when it’s “for worse” now that’s the love of Christ.  I’m not saying that to build myself up, I’m saying that to show I live for Christ. 

I’m on a role it seems….LOL

I desire to go away, just the three of us.  To reconnect, to de-stress, to really figure out what WE and GOD want for our lives instead of what everyone else wants.  My family won’t like that but they will just have to survive and as cruel as that sounds I still love them dearly.  And while I’m on a role, I’ll admit I’m angry that you said those things about my husband, resentful.  I want to hold on to that, I’m certainly only human.  But if Christ can forgive the ones who nailed him to the cross then I need to get over it too.  I need to replace my anger with respect of your point of view and feelings and pray for you instead of wasting my energy on anger (I’ve spent enough time being angry for my plans-as if it’s my life to plan out-not turning out as I expected).  But also need to step up and speak my mind and how I truly feel, with Christ is the key. 

That’s all for now….I’ve exhausted myself. 

Thank you God for this beautiful day.  Thank you for my husband. I praise you for what you're doing in this storm.  While we don't see the other side of the storm yet you do and I trust you with that.